Why Every Team Sucks Worse than the SF Giants
Written by Big Poppa TC, Friday August 28 2009
After the monumental, colossal, gut-wrenching, nipple-twisting, soul-crushing, dream-shattering, FUBAR fourteen inning destruction by the Colorado Rockies on Monday, I as a Giants fan could very easily write a column decimating the Giants, pointing out all of the faults and potential improvements. I could merrily construct a seven page rant on how the Giants have no power, their bullpen is failing, Pablo can’t hit with runners on, Fred Lewis sucks, the Giants can’t bunt or move runners, and Bochy has become questionable. But I haven’t really thought about it, so instead I’ll soothe the pain by putting down every other NL team, and saying how they suck worse than the Giants.
Arizona Diamondbacks – They are terrible, with basically just an ace, and a power hitter who strikes out non-stop. Just not a good team, and their young players haven’t gotten better as expected. Justin Upton is their only upside, but it doesn’t seem like he wants it enough. And Phoenix in summer is crazy hot, not cool and pleasant like San Francisco.
Chicago Cubs – The perennially most disappointing team in baseball. Always hopeful, always failing. It’s always something, they really might be cursed. Their closer situation is absolutely the suck between Marmol and Gregg. So live it up at yuppie Wrigley. Bartman FTW.
Washington Nationals – Well they have the worst record and atrocious pitching and all of their best players are named Zimmerman. Earlier this year they had their jersey’s read ‘Natinals’. Classic. I did however really like the Expos.
Colorado Rockies – So the signs currently point to Rockies not sucking more than the Giants. However, the Giants still can boast about having the top starting pitching duo on the planet, and could potentially for the next few years. So suck it, Jason Marquis! The Dwayne Johnsons (the Rock) are coming to SF this weekend and I’m going on Saturday.
San Diego Padres – They’ve dumped every reasonable player on their team not named Gonzalez. They even dumped the occasionally good Chad Gaudin based on the outside chance that he might someday get sorta almost good. At this point it’s basically a Triple A team that occasionally plays in ugly military fatigues.
Golden State Warriors – If you had Phil Jackson coach the Giants in basketball for one year, do you think they could be the Don Nelson-coached Warriors one out of four times? I say yes. Pablo Sandoval can play Charles Barkley (big butt post up), Randy Johnson is Rik Smits, and I betting that Fred Lewis would be eight times more useful for this challenge than in real life, I’m thinking a shorter Scottie Pippen. On another note, Eugenio Velez is so skinny he could play for the Warriors.
Houston Astros – The red Houston jersey is the worst NL jersey by far. It’s not one of their colors, and it looks out of place and has no personality. Their All-Star Hunter Pence has just had a terrible second-half, as I well know because I have him on my fantasy team. And there’s that ridiculous hill in center field at Minute Maid Park in Houston, it’s like a cheap foosball table.
Pittsburgh Pirates – They’re basically like the Padres but without a superstar AND they’re stuck in Pittsburgh, not San Diego. Ultimate fail. And they have even less power than the Giants, which apparently is possible.
Philadelphia Phillies – Yes, they’re the World Champions. Yes, they have the best rookie pitcher, and yes, they put cheese whiz on their cheesesteaks. Yes, Cliff Lee is unstoppable. Yes, Ryan Howard is a freaking monster. Wait where was I going with this? Oh yeah, can we have Jimmy Rollins investigated? It seems unnatural that a speedy player suddenly can hit for power, then the power and skills suddenly disappear.
Milwaukee Brewers – Their slugger, Prince Fielder, is fatter than our slugger, Bengie Molina. Similarly, their girls are fatter than ours. Their beer (Miller) is less pretentious than ours (love that Hoegarden). And I guess they love sausage there. I think I’ve made my point.
Oakland Raiders – Darius Heyward-Bey doesn’t have great hands, and Al Davis makes Brian Sabean look like Stephen Hawking. Plus they have Javon Walker.
Florida Marlins – They have no fans, a garbage stadium, rainouts every other day (nothing else smart to say here, they suck).
Atlanta Braves – The Braves best player is a rookie. That’s just sad (although I love Tommy Hanson, seriously). They’ve gone from pennant after pennant to struggling in the NL’s weakest division.
NY Mets – They are possibly the most injured team in the history of professional sports. They have a million all-stars on their disabled list. It’s almost enough to feel sorry for them. Not quite, but close. I really do feel bad about the David Wright beanball though. That killed me inside when I watched it. They have the worst in-person defense of any team I’ve seen this year. Luis Castillo makes Fred Lewis look like Ozzie Smith.
Los Angeles Dodgers – Manny Ramirez got busted for using women’s fertility drugs. Fertility drugs. Women’s fertility drugs. Oh and their bullpen is beat to hell and will absolutely kill them in the playoffs.
Ohio State Buckeyes – Look, I hate USC as much as the next guy, but if you think the Buckeyes even remotely have a chance of beating the Trojans Columbus this year, then you should shop at Ned Flander’s Leftorium, because clearly you’re not right. Listen, Buckeye fan or Big Ten apologist, take the money you were gonna lose betting on Ohio State v USC, and bet it on Ohio State to crush Michigan this year. If the spread is anything less than twenty points, jump on it.
Cincinnati Reds – One half decent pitcher (Bronson Arroyo), and their best, most popular player is still Pete Rose, even thirty years later. Hasn’t been fun to be a Reds fan for a long, long, time, and they probably root for Ohio State too. Double fail.
So there you have it, every other team sucks worse than the Giants. The NL is definetly in a down year. As bad as the Giants lineup is, very few other teams have lineups that really look threatening. And as bad as Giants defense is (Edgar Renteria, Eugenio Velez, Fred Lewis), somehow almost every other team is worse. And Giant pitching is fabulous. So come and find me at the Saturday game, I’ll be the guy in a Heyward-Bey jersey, eating a sausage, drinking a Hoegarden, injecting fertility drugs, and booing Fred Lewis.
**One more thing, I’m going to the National Cougar Convention tonight in Palo Alto. You’ll want to come back next week for my scintillating report. Look for it in the ‘Hunting’ section. I can promise you the column will be laced with innuendo, double-entendre, and sophomoric euphemisms. You won’t want to miss it.
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2 comments
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Did my job. Sweep baby!!!
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Well done once again TC. Very enjoyable. Go Giants! If they lose on Sat. though, I'm blaming you.