Tiger Woods' Equipment Failure
Written by B-Dub, Tuesday July 06 2010
Am I the only one who has noticed that Tiger Woods absolutely stinks these days? I'm not a fan of golf and I'd rather watch grass grow than watch golf.....hey wait, did I just describe exactly what watching golf is? Anyway, something is definitely wrong with Tiger's game and I have the answer.
It's his equipment. Specifically his "blue balls".
It's obvious that Tiger hasn't been the same player since his soon-to-be ex-wife went upside his head with a nine iron on Thanksgiving. Before then he absolutely dominated all things golf because he was simply better than every other golfer on the planet. Now he is barely making the cut in tournaments. The reason is that he's trying to play with blue balls.
A man can not play with blue balls. Yet, that's exactly what he's been dealing with since Elin caught his cheating butt.
Tiger was just in my area to play in the AT&T National PGA Tournament at Aronimink Golf Club in Newtown Square, PA. Well at least the guy who used to be Tiger Woods was here. This version of Tiger Woods was a big bust. He looked fake. He finished the tournament 4-over 284. He also failed to break par in any of the four rounds, only the fourth time in his career he's done so in a non-major (As opposed to the "pros" he was playing in before Thanksgiving?) and the first time since the 1999 Arnold Palmer Invitational. The other two times were at the 1998 Players Championship and the 1997 Westchester Classic.
Tiger simply couldn't get his balls in the hole at Aronimink. He would up 14 shots behind the winner, Justin Rose, which was the most he's finished out of the lead since the 2006 Players Championship. He finished tied for 46th place and it was the first time he finished out of the top 40 since he tied for 53rd in that 2006 Players Championship. Am I the only one who is surprised that a "playa" like Tiger always seems to play so poorly in something called the Players Championship?
Woods blamed his troubles on his putting. "I need to get my putter organized a little better," he said. Well of course he had trouble with his putting. He's out of practice at finding the hole. He was fine with his drivers and long irons because you can "grip it and rip it" even if you're alone. It's that dreaded hole that's the tricky part. "I drove it really good this week," Woods said. "It was fun. I hadn't hit it that well in an extremely long time." I believe those quotes refer to the tournament at Aronimink, but I'm not sure. They could also be applied to any activities afterwards now that Tiger is back out on the prowl, so to speak.
Since Thanksgiving he's being going through this ridiculous charade of trying to save his marriage. Yeah, like after an entire 18-hole course of Hos, his wife was going to forgive him. The last few months were simply a sham so Elin could squeeze as many millions as she could out of him for doing nothing more than having his children. It's true. She didn't earn any of those hundreds of millions in Tiger's bank account. And exactly how many nannies do you think they had on their full-time staff? Like I said, she didn't earn those millions.
Now that he's rid of $100 million and a woman that was reportedly a "dead fish" in the sack, Woods can get back to doing what he does best; banging dirty Hos.....and playing golf.
Seriously, Woods seems stressed right? Well what relieves stress better than anything else? Yeah, that's right. We've all read the sordid details of Hos 1 through whatever number we're up to these days. Tiger is one kinky, dirty bastard. He obviously needs to get his freak on constantly to be in his right frame of mind. Well now that he's free from that sham of a PR-driven marriage, he can go back to dominating holes on the front and back nine.
Any married guy can tell you how uncomfortable a bad case of blue balls can be. Now that Tiger is free to play the field, his balls should return to a more natural hue. And that will make everybody happier.
Tiger will be more relaxed and relieved. And he might even be able to play golf better as well. That in turn will save golf, since it is nothing but a bunch of out of shape dweebs in bad clothes without his star power. The TV networks will once again bow down to Tiger for delivering the ratings. The other golfers will all make more money, since Tiger is the biggest (only?) draw in golf, which brings more money into the tournaments and therefore into their pockets.
Money-hungry Hos around the globe will once again beam with optimism that they too could possibly be one of Tiger's kept women. Sure he likes to play (in the) rough and sometimes likes to play several holes at once, but that's a small price to pay for getting your 15 minutes of fame right? Hey, some enterprising young skank might even realize that Tiger doesn't like to wear any protection on his shaft and try to cash in like porn star Devon James is trying to do with a paternity suit. Yeah, they all dream about that $100 million figure.
There really is no downside here. Everybody wins. Tiger gets what he wants - countless dirty Hos around the globe. The PGA gets what they want - a reason to exist until Tiger retires. The networks get what they want - ratings. The other players get more money. And a whole new batch of washed-up porn stars and wanna-be actresses all get the chance to say they let Tiger Woods drive his ball to their hole. Does anyone else think Tiger Woods does a Carl Spackler imitation when he's with these Hos? "It's in the hole!"
Tiger hasn't been the same since that fateful night on Thanksgiving. But now that he won't be playing with those blue balls anymore, something tells me he'll be playing the field much better now. And that can only help his golf game.
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