The Valentine's Day 500
Written by Patterson Belser, Saturday February 13 2010
by Patterson Belser
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This is a public service announcement for those that may have forgotten:
TOMORROW IS VALENTINE’S DAY
For those of you out there that may be completely inundated with Daytona coverage, you may have forgotten that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Might I suggest to some of you, that you remember this…immediately.
Side note: I do not participate in Valentine’s Day personally, but I know that some of you do, and it happens to fall on the same day as the Daytona 500 this year. Thus, Valentine’s is easily forgettable.
In an effort to help you poor souls out there who may have not realized this is all happening on the same day, I have done some research. I have picked out some of the finest items from the NASCAR Superstore collection that will be superb for your significant other.
Have you ever thought to yourself, that you love the fact that your significant other is a Clint Bowyer fan, but you wish that astronauts could see just how big of a fan he or she is from space?
Now, you can tell your guy or girl just how much you love them with this shirt. It says that you understand that Clint Bowyer will always be number one in his or her heart. It also says that you love them so much, that you want them to share something in common with The Great Wall of China. Touching.
Guys, I just do not understand how you have not all purchased this one for your wives or girlfriends (or both, I mean, who am I to judge).
This is the perfect Valentine’s present for the girl who may not be the biggest NASCAR fan out there. Once she has this shirt, it may not turn her into a fan, but it will remind her that you love something called NASCAR, and according to the shirt, that means that you like to watch Racing. This is simply a learning tool.
This one might be the best surprise of the bunch, but it involves some pre-planning. First, you will need to be wealthy or just willing to spend well outside of your budget. Then, you go to the nearest Mercedes dealership, and purchase the biggest, most expensive car on the lot. Then, rip off that wonderful Mercedes hood ornament. That is right, just rip it off! Trust me. Once that pesky piece of metal is removed, then you can replace it with this.
Once this little beauty is installed, then you walk your guy or girl out to their new car. Watch them react with jubilation as they bear witness to a brand new Mercedes! Then, watch them recoil in horror as they notice what evil you have bestowed upon the hood of that brand new car. The good news is, once the divorce is final, you will not have to pay alimony, as you will be far too broke from ruining a Mercedes!
OK, so I recognize that not all people are in committed relationships, but are on the open market and dating. Unfortunately, sometimes you wind up meeting someone and going out on a few dates right around this time of year, which always causes some tension around Valentine’s. So this is the perfect gift for that NASCAR fan that may possibly be in your life.
Let us just say that your new guy or girl happens to work in a garage or an office environment. He or she got in trouble a while back for hanging inappropriate material on the walls. Now, you can show that you are remembering that it is Valentine’s Day, without going overboard and scaring the crap out of someone by going completely overboard. In fact, this gift could be the complete opposite of overboard. Nothing says, “Hey, new person in my life, you are of little importance to me, but to prove that this is not completely meaningless, here is a freaking calendar.”
Ladies, this one is for your boyfriends and husbands out there.
See, here is the beauty of this jacket as a gift for your guy. You can re-enact all of the scenes from those famous Go Daddy commercials, just like you have seen countless times on television. You can be the person who says, “Hey, isn’t that Danica Patrick?!” Meanwhile, your husband can do his best pose, unzip the jacket, and everyone will swoon as his hefty B-Cups come a-flopping out from behind that zipper. Do not forget the scented candles and Barry White music.
This next piece of merchandise is fantastic because it is a three-pronged attack.
First, it is a gift for Valentine’s Day. Second, it will be fantastic in a few weeks when St. Patty’s Day rolls around. Third, it has great subtle implications, just saying to your guy or girl, “Hey, baby, wanna go to the bedroom.” Though, looking at it, I am reminded why a driver running the #69 car would not be great for product placement.
Alright, so I know that I am helping yall plan for a holiday that is tomorrow. But let us take a step towards not forgetting to buy a present for your guy or girl in the future. Or maybe, you are so bad at this gift-giving thing, that you still owe a Christmas gift. Luckily, thanks to the wide assortment of items at the NASCAR Superstore, you can find the perfect thing. Like this:
Oh, I feel like putting on this awful hat, singing some carols, and then pretending that this is what Tony wears on his own Christmas day. Oh, please let Tony wear this every Christmas…it would be the only redeeming quality to this crappy hat. I take that back, there is no redeeming quality. It looks like what one would wear to a Klan rally at Disneyland.
Maybe you are thinking to yourself, “Damn, that Patterson sure is smart, but how is this going to help me after I already missed Valentine’s Day?” This is true, you have already forgotten, and these gifts would not be delivered until Tuesday at the earliest. But I have a workaround. Just show your significant other a picture of the item on the website, and then complain that it got hung up in shipping somehow. If he or she asks to see the order information (probably because they know that you are lying out of your teeth), then unplug your computer and run. Trust me, the relationship is already over by this point.
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