The Gomer Awards
Written by Patterson Belser, Wednesday November 11 2009
by Patterson Belser
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You know, I have been working on this idea for the Gomer Awards for a while now. The thought process was running on it for a bit before it ever saw the light of day on this site. Luckily, I have some folks here that are willing to let me try some things out and see where they go…so I have got that going for me, which is nice. We shall see where it goes in the future.
This week, though, I am going to take this to, what I view, is a new level. I have a Gomer Award to give out to a guy that may be the most polarizing figure in recent NASCAR history. I am speaking of a gentleman who is a former Cup Champion multiple times over. This is a guy who has challenged and beaten some of the best this sport has ever had on the track. This is a gentleman who won NASCAR rookie of the year in 1993, who has claimed multiple wins at the Daytona 500, and he is the former owner of the greatest porno mustache that may have ever existed (not counting John Oates of Hall & Oates, of course). So this week, we here in the voting committee go out of way to honor Jeff Gordon, our Gomer Award winner.
Back some years ago, I was among the millions of Jeff Gordon haters, and I was quite proud of it. When I started watching NASCAR back in the mid 90’s, it was the heyday for Gordon hatred. Those truly were the halcyon days. That guy was the clear foil for a still viable Dale Earnhardt, and people hated the rainbow-wielding Californian.
Since this time, some years have passed and my hatred for this driver has mellowed tremendously. Earnhardt is no more and there have been many drivers in NASCAR that have come and gone that raised my ire much more than Gordon (as some of you may have noticed by the pieces I have written in the past). Gordon is good for the sport. He is well-spoken and represents NASCAR very well in the “regular” world. He has hosted “Live With Regis and Kelly” and also “Saturday Night Live”. He has helped to break the stereotypes that go along with NASCAR, and for that, I really did come around from my former hatred.
But after Talladega, that has all changed. It is true, noble readers, I am back on the “I Hate Jeff Gordon” bandwagon. Climb aboard, as it should prove to be a fruitful ride!
Do you all know what I really hate (other than Jeff Gordon, again)? OK, so maybe that was a trick question, as I do hate many, many things. Right now, though, I am just going to focus on the fact that Jeff Gordon is a giant kiss-ass and a tattler. I am referencing what he had to say about Talladega after the race.
"Bump-drafting through the corners is ridiculous. I don't think that had anything to do with the race that you saw last week. If anything, I think it's what allowed 30-plus cars on the lead lap with 30 (laps) to go. I think the reason why guys got to the end of the race more so than we've seen in the past is because we weren't pushing one another through the corners. I thought that was a big positive."
I thought I could get over it, as it happened a week ago, but I just can not get past it. Obviously I can not get over it, as I am writing about it a week and a half later. Yes, I am angry. What a little whiny snitch (yes, I did spell that correctly, though I could have easily substituted a certain word that rhymes with snitch) that Jeff Gordon is.
Talladega is the first place that I saw a NASCAR race, and is directly responsible for fostering my love for the sport. Now, I am not going to sit here and explain to each and every one of you why Talladega absolutely rules. It just does. It is what it is and that is why we always love it. But, part of what makes it what it is would be the bump drafting that happens all the way around the track.
According to a certain NASCAR official who chose to remain nameless, there were certain drivers, who also were going to remain nameless, who were complaining about this bump drafting through the corners at Talladega. In fact, this nameless official said, "several well-respected veteran drivers came to (the NASCAR) hauler and said, 'We need to address the bump-drafting in the corners.'" I wondered which of the veteran drivers out there would have complained about this, but as it turns out, one of them was Jeff Gordon. I also would not be surprised to learn that he was the only driver who complained, since NASCAR’s governing body LOVES them some Jeff Gordon.
Due to these complaints about the bump drafting, we were all subjected to the worst race I have ever seen from Talladega. It was all single-file racing, which is unheard of at this track that is generally slap full of excitement from start to finish. But once NASCAR said that there had better be daylight between the cars in the corners, this single-file environment was born…and it stunk.
So yes, Jeff Gordon, I am back on hating you. No, I am not foolish enough to believe that you, Jeff Gordon, are solely responsible for making Talladega, of all places, boring. I realize that is not your fault. What I do blame you for, however, is being a little narc to NASCAR. Then, once what you complained about caused for a most boring day of racing, you not only said that you were the one who complained but you attempted to justify what you complained about and also attempted to make NASCAR sound more awesome. You, sir, are wrong and your logic is skewed at best. Oh, and you are also an ass. Congratulations on your award, stupid.
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Great post!