Others may give you lists of the ten best sports movies of all time, but that's not my style.  A good sports movie often has a sappy ending, which is OK, as long as it doesn't go too far over the line into "Chick Flick" status.  What I want to give you is the list of movies you should avoid at all costs.  If you were unlucky enough to have already seen a movie on this list, then you undoubtedly agree with its place on this list. 

I have intentionally excluded any kids movies in the sports genre, because they aren't aimed at real sports fans.  Movies like the awful Air Bud series, the Mighty Duck Series and MVP were spared here.  MVP?  Well that stands for Most Valuable Primate and it's a movie about a monkey that plays hockey.  Yes, really.  There were even sequels, MVP 2 (Most Vertical Primate, where the monkey plays basketball) and MXP (Most Extreme Primate, where the monkey plays X-games).  Now that you know that this heaping pile of monkey dung didn't make the list, I bet you can't wait to see what atrocities made the list.  Without further ado:


10. Rudy (1993)


I don't care how many Notre Dame fans list this among their favorite sports movies of all time.  This thing was the cheesiest movie ever.  It is so damn cheesy, it could actually kill a lactose-intolerant person.  It was based on Notre Dame football player Daniel "Rudy" Ruettiger, but this movie was so over the top it made me want to hurl.  Sappy doesn't cover this fantasy of how Rudy walked-on and ended up actually playing in one football game in 1975.  This movie typifies the pompous nature of Notre Dame fans, who think they're better than other colleges.  If you think this was a good sports movie then you probably love #1 as well.   


9. Ed (1996)


Ed was a movie starring Friends alum, Matt LeBlanc as pitcher who chokes in the big game and gets sent down to an A-ball team, where the third baseman is a monkey.  No, not a guy in a monkey costume, an actual monkey plays third base for the team.  They don't even bother to tell you why this monkey is able to play baseball.  Why bother with the minor details right?  This movie is so bad that LeBlanc actually gets out acted by the monkey.  If you don't believe me, he actually says the line: "I'm gonna spank that monkey!"  I couldn't possibly make that up.


8. Over The Top (1987)


I'm not sure who thought a movie about arm wrestling was a great idea, but they were wrong.  This thing was so bad I can't believe I actually watched the whole thing.  I think it was like a horrible train wreck that I just couldn't look away from.  Maybe it was the star power of Sylvester Stallone.  Or not.  I won't even bore you with a plot description, since it was about arm wrestling.  This movie did make history in one way though.  It was the first movie where the name of the star was actually above and bigger than the title of the movie.  STALLONE over the top.  I actually refer to this celluloid mistake as "Over the Title".    


7. Juwanna Man (2002)


This movie is about a basketball player whose on and off the court antics get him suspended forever.  Since he needs a job he decides he can simply pretend to be a woman and play in the WNBA.  It's actually not that far fetched when you consider how few people actually pay attention to the WNBA, but I digress.  This movie even has Vivica Fox as one of his/her teammates, but we somehow don't see any nudity.  There are even locker room shower scenes where Juwanna showers fully clothed.  If that's not enough for you how about this goldmine of witty dialog.  "This is blackmale."  "No this is black FE-male."  A wonderful blend of racism and sexism all wrapped up in one waste of film.    


6. Eddie (1996)


Staying with the basketball theme, we have Eddie starring Whoopie Goldberg as the title character.  Whoopi's presence alone is enough to land this turd on any list of the worst sports movies, but this was painful.  Whoopi's character is a limo driver who sinks a half-court shot and gets to be honorary coach of the New York Knicks for the game.  She brings fire to the bench so the owner decides to make her the real coach.  All sorts of ridiculous stuff happens, Eddie gets the team to play well and they make the playoffs.  There is a subplot about the evil owner moving the team, blah, blah, blah.  Lots of cameos from NBA stars like Dennis Rodman and Marv Albert ("YES!").  Uh, NO Marv.  The sad part is that I think Knicks fans would have preferred Whoopi as their head coach over Isiah Thomas. 


5. The Main Event (1979)


I'm sure less than 1% of you have seen this movie, so you may not even believe it exists when I tell you that it stars Ryan O'Neal as a boxer (really) named Kid Natural.  If that doesn't blow your mind, how about the fact that his co-star is Barbara Streisand as his manager / promoter?  I don't remember much more about the movie other than that because my brain has suppressed all other memories of this movie, so it doesn't purposely have an aneurism just thinking about it.


4. Rocky V  (1990)


Stallone's second appearance on this list makes me sad.  How can the man who made one of the greatest movie of all time, Rocky, make this crime against humanity?  Rocky went from losing to Apollo Creed, to beating him, then beating Hulk Hogan and Mr T. and finally defeating Communism in the first four Rocky movies.  In this one Rocky doesn't even box.  Yes, it's that bad.  Rocky can't box because of brain damage (you think?) so he decides to train a boxer instead.  Tommy Morrison, a real-life boxer once upon a time before he contracted HIV (really), is the protege (Tommy Gunn) who ends up turning on Rocky and signing with a Don King clone.  He challenges Rocky to a fight, but Rocky refuses so he decks Paulie instead.  Rocky and Tommy then end up fighting in an alley.  Rocky beats up Tommy and Don King and we're all left with only one feeling.  In the immortal words of  Clubber Lang: "Pain".


3. Caddy Shack 2 (1988)


Harold Ramis should  be shot for writing this terrible sequel to one of the all-time greats.  He replaces Bill Murray with Dan Aykroyd and Rodney Dangerfield with Jackie Mason.  The results were even worse than you could imagine.  Chevy Chase shows up for a cameo to collect a check, but this movie simply isn't funny.  Aykroyd, doing a terrible Murray impersonation, is just painful to watch.  But the worst part of this movie is every second that Mason is on the screen.  He's no Rodney and he doesn't have any decent jokes to work with here.  Add all that to the fact that this movie was inexplicably rated PG and you can see why it's on this list.  How can you make Caddyshack without nudity?  It's like a slasher movie where Freddie or Jason don't kill anybody or a Rocky movie where Rocky doesn't box.  Oh wait.


2. Slapshot 2: Breaking the Ice (2002)


Instead of breaking the ice, they should have broken the fingers of the guys who wrote this mess so that it could never have been made.  I can't even describe the plot to this retelling of the Hanson brothers and the Chiefs.  It's just too painful.  Let me just tell you that the stars of the movie were Gary Bussey and Stephen Baldwin, in the Paul Newman role.  This is sacrilege.  For the love of God, isn't he like the third or fourth most (least?) talented Baldwin brother?  There is even a female coach to add to the hilarity until the Hanson brothers are brought back to the team to save the day.  I would rather have been pummeled by the Hansons than have watched this abortion of a movie. 


1. Jerry McGuire (1996)


If you like this movie or even think it is actually a sports movie, then you must immediately turn in your man card because you are a woman.  This is really a "Chick Flick" disguised as a sports movie.  The main focus of the movie was Tom Cruise's relationship with Renee Zellweger and her annoying little son.  Even the ESPN anchors made a "You had me at hello" commercial.  That was the main quote from this estrogen-laced farce, not "Show me the money".  Seriously, the sappy love story to actual sports story ratio in this movie was easily 100 to 1.  Even Cuba Gooding's football player character cries.  This movie actually made me angry for lying about its basic premise.  Seriously if you liked this movie and thought it was actually sports movie, then you need to come out of the closet you share with Tom Cruise and watch a real sports movie some time.


Well there you have it.  The ultimate list of the ten worst sports movies of all time.  I'm sure you all agree with me, because really, how could you not.  I would however be willing to discuss some other movies that we could list for numbers 11-20, so feel free to leave me some suggestions.