Last week I posted my ‘Best of 2009’, so this week is my ‘Worst of 2009’.  Honestly it hasn’t been the best year in general.  A worldwide recession has rocked everyone, Michael Jackson died, the Raiders didn’t draft Michael Crabtree, and Megan Fox got even more tattoos.  But here are the worst of the worst, mostly sports related: 

Worst NFL Draft Pick:  Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR – Oakland Raiders

    This is by far the obvious pick for my 2009 ‘Worsts’.  The Raiders had another terrible season in 2008, and going into the draft everyone and their mothers (mine included) knew that Raiders owner Al Davis would choose a wide receiver with the seventh pick of the draft.  The only question was whether or not it would be Texas Tech’s Michael “I catch everything” Crabtree or Missouri’s Jeremy ‘White Lightning’ Maclin.  Most fans were hoping and praying that Crabtree would still be available.  When the Bengals took OT Andre Smith, Raider fans the world over rejoiced over getting Michael Crabtree.  Then tragedy struck… Al Davis pulled an ‘Al Davis’ and drafted Darius Heyward-Bey from Maryland, the speedster with no hands.  He was projected as a second or third rounder by many teams, and we took him seventh.  These are the receivers the Raiders passed on in the first round:  Michael Crabtree (went across the bay to the 49ers), Jeremy Maclin, Percy Harvin, Kenny Britt, and Hakeem Nicks.  These are all receiver that are all starters on their teams and are considered ‘good’.  Darius Heyward-Bey isn’t even good enough to punt return even though he’s a speed guy.  He’s not physical, has no hands, and has been consistently outperformed by fellow rookie Louis Murphy from Florida.  But at least Oakland paid Heyward-Bey $30M guaranteed, so its’ not a big deal.  As you can tell, I haven’t really thought about it, and I’m not bitter.

Honorable Mention:  Darrius Heyward-Bey, WR – Oakland Raiders (not a typo, the pick was just that bad), Ricky Rubio, PG – Minnesota Timberwolves
 

Worst Professional Sports Team:  New Jersey Nets

    I don’t know what to say, as it is becoming increasingly obvious that we are witnessing history here with the terribleness of the N-E-T-S NETS! NETS! NETS!  They are on pace to win like 8 games this year.  The thing is, they have a bunch of solid young players, and a fair amount of cap room next year.  SO they could be poised to get consensus #1 pick John Wall from Kentucky and have room to buy a superstar.  I few them the same as I did the Thunder before the start of last year.  I saw a rumor that might trade PG Devin Harris to the Lakers for G/F Shelden Brown and PG Jordan Farmar.  This would be fantastic as it would free up more cash for this summer and give them a solid backup for John Wall next year and a very good sixth man in Brown.  So next year they would have a lineup of PG John Wall (rookie), SF Chris Douglas-Roberts (second year), C Brook Lopez (third year), PF Yi Jianlan (third year), SG Shelden Brown (third year).  Toss in at least one and a half big name free agent signings who would love to play in the NY metro area and you’ve got a squad, especially since the East will be all shaken up with Dwayne Wade, Lebron James, and Chris Bosh, Paul Pierce, and Joe Johnson potentially changing teams.  I think ideally they should go for a power forward (Amare?) to bring Yi off the bench.  You know the Knicks will still suck next year, and Toronto is will only get worse without Bosh, and they could be a .500 team next year with a lot of potential and young experience. 

Honorable Mention:  St. Louis Rams

Worst New TV Show:  The Jay Leno Show

    This seems extremely obvious now in light of the current circumstances, but I was against the Jay Leno show as soon as they started airing ads for it last spring.  Five nights of Jay Leno at 10pm just sounds like NBC being lazy and cheap and giving up.  At 10pm, people still want to be engaged and challenged and entertained, not just turn off their brains before bed.  I’m not against Jay, but I would have bet any amount of money that it wouldn’t work.  I watched a few episodes, but it just wasn’t compelling at all and felt very forced the whole time.  Not as funny, not as biting, and obviously couldn’t compete with any of the 10pm fare I wanted to watch:  “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”, “Ultimate Fighter”, “Jersey Shore”, etc.  The funny thing is that NBC cleans up in ratings with their cable channels including USA and TNT and TBS.  But their broadcast channel only competes on Thursday’s (sitcoms against Grey’s Anatomy, Bones, and CSI) and Sunday Night Football.  They get throttled every other day.  “Mercy” vs “American Idol”?  Come on, be serious NBC.  And they’re still paying millions to put crappy Notre Dame games on every Saturday in fall.  I know it’s all cyclical and with the Comcast purchase from Universal that things can change quickly, but NBC is now looking like pre-CSI CBS.  Oooohhh!!! Buuurrrnnn!!

Honorable Mention:  I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, Stargate Universe

Worst Game I Attended:  Cubs at Giants - September 24

    This was the game that Brian Wilson blew a save in the ninth inning to mathematically eliminate the Giants from playoff contention.  It always hurts to blow a save, but to be eliminated on a blown save burns deep.  This one stung more because I went with my friend JS and all her Chicago friends (who were very nice but very Cubbie).  I didn’t realize how much I had invested in this team and how much I wanted them to go to the playoffs.  I kept trying not to raise expectations because our hitting was so terrible, but apparently that pesky ‘hope’ found a foothold in me.  It was all very lame, I don’t want to think about it anymore.

Honorable Mention:  Fresno State at San Jose State Men’s Basketball – January 24

Worst Movie (that I watched):  I Love You Beth Cooper

    I saw this movie on a plane coming back to the States from Asia.  I was pretty sleepy and drifting in and out.  So here’s my random thoughts:
1.     The Jewish kid is really ugly (not because he’s Jewish, obviously).
2.    I thought Hayden P was hotter, guess not.
3.    There’s way too much driving around in cars.
4.    I get it, the jock wants to beat up the Jewish kid.  Enough already.
5.    Does this movie have no value, or am I getting too old for this stupid s***?

Honorable Mention:  Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

Biggest Choke:  Landon Donovan, LA Galaxy – Missing a shootout penalty kick in the MLS Finals

    The week before this game, Landon Donovan was on Bill Simmons’ podcast explaining why he is so good at penalty kicks.  Then when he had the chance to tie the shootout in the MLS Finals against Houston, Donovan shanked it over the crossbar.  So Donovan, allegedly the US team’s best player and certainly the face of US soccer, blew his chance to put soccer on the map.  You see, if he made it, then not only would he and the Galaxy have been champions, but international soccer icon David Beckham would have been an MLS champion and would have had schoolgirls worldwide talking MLS for a while and raised visibility here in the States.  You see, I think people in America secretly want to like soccer, we just need a reason to do so.  Beckham clearly isn’t enough, but champion Beckham and clutch Donovan would’ve been a step in the right direction.

Honorable Mention:  NFL kickers were terrible during the 2009 season.

Worst Sports Hookup:  Shawne Merrimen and Tila Tequila

    My friends are tired of me talking about this situation already.  I keep saying, “Why would any guy want to date/marry a girl who they know a hundred other guys have been with and a million other guys have seen having sex?”  I’m not saying adult film stars and prostitutes don’t have the right to love and happiness, but if you are a celebrity, why would you get involved with one when everyone will be talking about it and you and you put your family through it.  If that weren’t bad enough for Merrimen, Tequila is clearly crazy and looks borderline ******ed if you ask me.   Was he just watching her show and saying to himself, “Dang that midget with the super-round face and suspiciously large eyes is my bag baby.  I wish I was one of the ten losers and loserettes vying for her attention.”  Put the clear and cream away Merrimen, have some pride man.  Although this situation led to my favorite sign at the Raiders-Chargers game: “Sean, I like my Tequila shaken, not choked”.   (*Note:  Domestic violence in any form is obviously not ok.)

Honorable Mention:  Tiger Woods and the ‘Dirty Dozen’ (Dirty Baker’s Dozen?  How many again?)

Worst MMA Fight Injury:  BJ Penn Kneeing a Hole Diego Sanchez’s Head – December 12

    UFC Lightweight Champion BJ Penn basically beat down top contender Diego Sanchez for four plus rounds that night.   Penn out-boxed Sanchez and blocked take-down attempts with ease the entire match.  But early in the fifth and final round, Penn threw a head kick and his knee connected with Sanchez’s forehead above his left eye.  The result was basically a disgusting golf-boll sized hole in Sanchez’s head.  Sanchez doesn’t have a huge Barry Bonds beach ball head either, he weighs 155 pounds, so the hole was relatively huge on him.  First time I’ve come close to vomiting watching an MMA fight.  Sometimes fight fans like to fantasize about what it would be like to be a fighter.  We think, “I could do that.  Or even I could have choked that guy out.”  Well, seeing the hole (not cut, HOLE) in Sanchez’s head reminds me that I am not a fighter and could not be one.  Stay in school kids.

Honorable Mention:  Shinya Aoki Breaking Mizuto Hirota’s Arm – December 31

Worst Sports Haircut:  Fro-Hawk

    Ron Artest, Sean Merrimen, Jamarcus Russell and a slew of other athletes had this hairtrocity in 2009.  It’s worse than the faux-hawk (I’m not sure why), but still better than a mullet (which I sort of have now).  Regardless, it doesn’t look good and makes a person look 13% less intelligent and 32% more crazy.  I can understand these super rich athletes wanting to have fun with cool  and interesting styles, but when everyone copies the same stupid look… I’m against it.  I think players are missing out on advertising opportunities.  They could shave ‘Pepsi’ or ‘Viagra’ into their not-quite shaved heads.  Oh and if you haven’t seen Brandon Jennings new hair cut, you should.  I like the Kid ‘n’ Play look, we should bring that back.

Honorable Mention:  Whatever Brandon Jennings had before he cut his hair to look like late 90’s Grant Hill.

Most Overplayed Song:  Boom Boom Pow -  Black Eyed Peas

    I don’t actually hate the Black Eyed Peas, but they’ve sold out more than anyone in history other than the Roots (Jimmy Fallon’s band?  REALLY?).  And they are sooooooo overplayed everywhere you go on every radio station.  Music is catchy admittedly, but I’m so tired of it.  It’s like they write music specifically to be played in a basketball timeout or a douchey frat party.  (Note:  Also overplayed:  Taylor Swift and Kings of Leon, but they don’t make me want to go Jack Bauer on Virgin Records.  I’m seriously going to bust into Richard Branson’s office and force him to tell me where the nerve gas is.)

Honorable Mention:  I’ve Got a Feelin’ – Black Eyed Peas

Lamest 2009 Champion:  Los Angeles Lakers

    I call shenanigans on the Lakers acquiring Pau Gasol from the Grizzlies.  Grand Theft Spaniard.  That aint’ right man.  It just ain’t.  The Yankees may have bought a championship, but the Lakers stole one.  And now Kobe is the Godfather telling people to ‘kiss the rings’ and the Lakers might steal Devin Harris this year.  That’s a lot of freaking boonswaggling for one franchise.  Laker fans, you can’t see this, but you’re actually as bad as Yankee or Red Sox fans.  Get over yourselves.  Basketball can have evil empires too, and the Lakers are it.  Other Empires include:  Warriors – Skinny Empire; Knicks – Bad Contract Empire; Cavaliers – Ugly Tattoo Empire (Delonte West are you kidding bro?);  Jazz – Subtly Racist Empire;  Rockets – Ming Dynasty;  Clippers – Stingy Empire;  Bulls – Jordan Empire (now and forever); 

Honorable Mention:  New York Yankees

Sports Comeback Story I’m Most Tired of:  Brett Favre

    Everything that can possibly be said about Brett Favre has been said.  I’m out.  But to give Tito Ortiz and Chuck Liddell coaching responsibilities on the next Ultimate Fighter is absolutely terrible.  They are so washed up and no one wants to see them fight at the end.  All though I guess it makes sense to use them for their popularity and not their actual current fighting prowess.  Wait did I just contradict my own point?  Never mind.  I’m tired of Mr. Jenna Jameson either way.

Honorable Mention:  Tito Ortiz, Randy Couture

Worst Team To Gamble On (if sports betting were legal):  Oakland Raiders

    I picked Raiders (my favorite team) games nine weeks in a row.  No spread, just win or lose.  I lost every single stinking game.  They beat good teams, lost to bad teams, beat and lost to evenly matched teams.  They switched quarterbacks, had random defensive shutdown games, punched assistant coaches, dropped passes, stopped coaching Tennessee, won the Papajohns.com Bowl, everything and nothing.  No matter what, I could not get a single game correct.  Terrible.

Honorable Mention:  Houston Texans, UCLA Basketball

    Alright I’m hungry, cold, and tired of writing.  Here is a final list of other random things I hated about 2009:   Spencer and Heidi Pratt; Fat Luke Wilson;  The fact that no has seen the ‘Hurt Locker’ but me;  Colorado Rockies;  The way they did Deadpool in the Wolverine movie; the Giants paying $19M for two years of Edgar Renteria;  Don Nelson;  Pat Hill (I know Fresno State can’t get anyone better but still); Al Davis;  The Roots on Jimmy Fallon;  Stacie the Bartender;  ‘Parks and Recreation’;  The Knicks and anything they do;  USC male cheerleaders (Song Boys?  no joke they get on top of each other and do pushups during games to show how ‘strong’ they are);  Layoffs;  Fred Lewis, Darrius Heyward-Bey;  Sharks choking in the playoffs again;  Steve Cleveland (‘hate’ may be strong here, ‘righteous disdain’);  candles;  mustaches;  the color yellow;  Wonton soup at Hong Kong Bistro in Mountain View;  Snookie’s parents (I mean they have to be terrible people to end up with a daughter like her right?);  The new female lead on ‘Scrubs’;  Mini-Rovers;  Nascar (this one is perennial);  Johnny Bananas;  Hitting on 17 against a 20 (never again….);  UCLA losing their top 2 quarterbacks for the season on consecutive plays in spring practice;  UCLA losing at home to Cal-State Fullerton at home in basketball;  Every time Rich Aurila or Jason Giambi came up to bat;  not seeing Zach Grienkie pitch in person;  Tito Ortiz;  Glenn Beck;  Brady Quinn;  Jamarcus Russell;  Charlie Weiss;  Notre Dame;