Round Trip Bart Ticket:  $7.20

50 Yard Line, 13^th Row Ticket:  $150.00

Jamarcus Russell throwing a 58 yard touchdown pass on 4^th down and 14 with 2:20 left in the 4^th quarter to go ahead by 4 points:  Priceless

Chargers driving 89 yards in 2 minutes for a game-winning touchdown with 18 seconds left:  Three years of my life, 6 months of counseling.

                So I went to the Raiders-Chargers game at the Oakland Coliseum for the Monday Night Football opening game.  The Raiders have been in the news recently with the Richard Seymour trade and made news in the offseason with the surprise drafting of Darius Heyward-Bey over Michael Crabtree, Jeremy Maclin, and about a dozen other receivers.  Raider expectations were extremely low in general and even lower (I’m a pessimist) for me in particular.  But as a fan, I was hopeful going into the game, I managed to psych myself up on the Bart ride, and I was stoked by game time.   My friend P was excited about receiver Louis Murphy and the potential of Chaz Schillens whenever he comes back. 

Note:  To describe how I was feeling at different junctures in the game, I will use Mexican food analogies.

First Quarter:

                We walk the long way around the crowded stadium and arrived at our ridiculously awesome seats right behind the visitor bench.  The Raiders run the ball very well in the first quarter, tag-teaming with Michael Bush and Darren Macfadden.  They are effective and efficient, getting at least five yards per run.  The first attempted pass is to Hayward-Bey, who drops it (obvious to me, but not to other people yet).  The Raider defense is stifling during this quarter, Richard Seymour is impacting and Ladanian Tomlinson fumbles the ball way for the first time in a long time.  The Raider passing game looks terrible, and basically only works on throws to Zach Miller.  Most Raider fans already know this, but apparently the coaches don’t agree.  A seriously fantastic quarter, way better than I could have hoped for, and very fast, as the Raiders eat up a lot clock on their touchdown drive (a lot of people lost a lot of money on that prop bet, and a few people made a lot).  The thing that stood out to me was that there are actual conversions on third down by the Raiders, a rarity last year.  Another thing that stands out is how Charger Darren Sproles shuts the crowd up with a huge kickoff return following the touchdown (more on this later).  But more importantly, there are three guys wearing lucha libre masks and no shirts in our row.  They’re holding a huge Mexican flag.  AND across the aisle and one row up from me, there was a guy dressed in full Raider pirate gear.  Amazing.  That’s the Raider Nation.  It feels like I’m at a costume party eating a carne asada burrito that is surprisingly tasty.  Raiders: 7 – Chargers: 0.

Second Quarter:

                In this quarter it is absolutely confirmed that the Raider run defense has gotten way stronger with Greg Ellis and Richard Seymour.  It is also confirmed that the Raiders have no idea how to stop an offense consisting of short screen passes, as Phillip Rivers and munchkin Darren Sproles march right up the field for a LT touchdown (Note: I have LT on both of my fantasy teams but did not root for him at all, I promise.).  At this point I feel like someone switched out my good burrito for the crappy burrito I was expecting, but I still feel ok because at least I got to eat part of the good burrito, and who knows?  The next dish might be good.  The next series actually features Jamarcus Russell leading the offense down the field in a series of alternating incomplete/complete passes to Louis Murphy and Zach Miller.  Louis Murphy actually looks ok here, he makes some solid catches and moves the chains.  With about a minute left, the Raiders 3^rd and 5 at the Charger 19, and inexplicably use their last time-out.  *** See Time-out rant below***.  On the next play Jamarcus Russell improbably throws a touchdown pass to Louis Murphy in the end zone.  He falls down but holds on to the ball.  It is ruled a touchdown on the field, but then reversed in the booth.  They show the video and while the ball does touch the ground and shift, it never leaves the control of the receiver (admittedly a tough call, but it wasn’t conclusive evidence worthy of overturning a call).  At least, that’s how I and 47,000 (made this number up) other fans feel about it.  In the following two minutes we set the record for most middle fingers raised in one place as we kick a field goal.  This was your waiter giving you a plate of supreme nachos with all the fixings, scraping off (by hand) all the sour cream and guacamole and salsa.  It’s still kinda good, but you can’t really enjoy it knowing you could have had more, and you feel disgusted.  Then to make matters worse, Darren Sproles returns the ensuing kickoff for 50 yards, resulting in a game-tying field goal (because there was so much FREAKING TIME ON THE CLOCK!).  That was like the waiter giving your worst enemy (aka Lincoln Park) a plate of free nachos.  Raiders: 10 – Chargers: 10.

Halftime:

Nothing enchanting here, they introduced a bunch of old time quarterbacks.  I’m not a huge Raider history buff, so the only guy I’m truly impressed with is Tom Flores.  But apparently before Al Davis started putting from the rough, the Raiders were pretty awesome, and John Madden could be hoisted on people’s shoulders.  I thought the cheerleaders would do a show.  They didn’t.  But I will mention here that if you are a woman of any weight, shape, or attractiveness level who needs a self confidence boost, you should go to a game.  You will be ogled, leered at, and catcalled like its 1960 (think Mad Men, but set in Oakland).  No matter how snaggle your teeth, how wide in the thigh, or how muffin your top, just wear something low cut and walk slow.  Guys will turn their heads regardless.  Even I did it, and I’m normally super shallow.  Just some good, clean, old-fashioned fun that’s a little bit dirty.  That was like the tamarind drink.  I’d rather have horchata, but I was really thirsty.

Third Quarter:

                At the beginning of this half, I tell my friend P this game is going down to the wire.  There is no scoring in this period, as the Chargers have figured out that Raiders can’t pass, and the Raiders have figured out that the Chargers can’t run (I found out later that LT is a little bit banged up).  It’s basically a punt battle, and the Chargers’ punter Mike Scifres is winning.  He has two huge punts, one that must have been the farthest punt we have ever seen at like 65 yards (not sure how this played out on TV, but in person, it made me want to buy his jersey).  I’m very hopeful about the fourth quarter though, given the amount of pressure the Raider defense is putting on San Diego QB Phillip Rivers, and our ability to run and throw to Zach Miller.  The only thing that’s nagging at me is that the Chargers have played sloppy (penalties and turnovers) and the Raiders haven’t taken full advantage.  When you’re playing a better team, you can’t miss opportunities, because the better team will eventually get it together.  Oh this is also the quarter where the fans started yelling “Tiiiiiillllaaaa!  Tiiiiillllllaaaaa!” at Sean Merriman on the visitor bench in front of us.  That reminds me of my favorite sign (you might have seen better ones on TV):  “I like my tequila shaken, not choked!”  I have no Mexican food metaphor for this quarter, please feel free to make one up and post it below.  Raiders: 10 – Chargers: 10.

Fourth Quarter:

                The Raiders were on the move at the end of the third, and then march a little further (four yards) to open the fourth.  Janikowski (sp?) kicks a short field goal, and the Raiders retake the lead.  Mmmm… that’s a small but tasty adobado taco, enjoyed with a Corona while on the beach in Ensenada.  But any time you have a street taco in Mexico, there’s a kernel of doubt about the potential ramifications of that taco.  In this case, the Chargers see me enjoying the taco and remember “Hey! We’re the bleeping Chargers!  We’re better than the bleeping Raiders!!!  Their head coach knocks out his assistant coaches.  Our coach only knocks us out of big playoff games!! Let’s win by evaluating what’s worked so far and doing it!!”  So Rivers starts throwing it underneath to Antonio Gates and Mini-Me Sproles, allowing the Chargers saunter down the field for a calm, easy-going, crowd-killing touchdown.  Uh-oh, the taco turned on me, ironically on my drive back up to San Diego from Ensenada…

                Towards the beginning of the next drive, Jamarcus goes down after sneaking for a first down.  The crowd roars as back-up QB Brad Gradkowski steps into the game.  He hands it off twice and completes a pass before Russell is back.  A short, solid showing.  Russell hasn’t really done anything to endear himself to the generally loyal Raider fans, so I give a full two months before the QB controversy begins.  Somewhere during this drive, Johnnie Lee Higgins catches a medium-deep ball across the middle and just gets destroyed by the biggest live-in-person hit I’ve ever seen.  Just murdered by Eric Weddle (even OJ was impressed with that murdering).  After a long while he gets up and takes off his helmet.  You can tell by his flat-top fade that he has no idea what decade it is (although I prefer the fade to the stupid fro-hawk epidemic which has taken the Charger defense by storm, and yes I know some Raiders are afflicted as well).  So after a sack and some penalties to both teams, the Raiders are 4^th and 14 with 2:30 left in the game on their own 43.  I’ve pretty much lost faith at this point, then Jamarcus Russell unleashes a monster deep ball and Louis Murphy hauls it in fifty yards down the field for the touchdown.  It’s pandemonium in the Coliseum!!!!!!  Everyone is hugging and slapping hands and yelling and swearing and the pirate is taking pictures with people and Cable is punching and Hayward-Bey is dropping passes and Michael Crabtree is not signing contracts and Merriman is choking pseudo-starlets (allegedly) and Ohio State is losing big games.  It’s a grand ole time.  But because I’m a pessimist, and because I remember what the Chargers did to the Raider defense like four minutes ago, I’m thinking the Chargers have more than enough time to tie it, or even win.  As a Raider fan, I can’t even describe the last two minutes of the game, so I’ll choose to misremember it (Bush style!) and leave my happy memory as is.  But the analogy I’ll draw is this:  It’s as if bikini-clad Jessica Alba brought you some fresh tamales at Christmas-time with some sangria and a bucket of cash.  But three minutes later you realize she is a man and then she stabs in the neck with a fork and throws your dog out the window.

Final Thoughts:

- Darren Sproles might be the most exciting player in the league.  He’s fast, he’s little so he pops into plays out of nowhere, and he drops balls that he’s returning.  He dropped three in this game.  That’s exciting.

-The most impressive player in this game was Scrifes, the Charger punter.  He had at least three huge 55+ yard punts after the Raider defense pinned the Chargers deep in their own end.

-  The Raiders suck at catching the ball.  You can improve things like O-line, defense, and running, but it doesn’t change the fact that they can’t catch.  And at the end of the day, it costs you games.  It’s like the Giants and power hitting.  They have pitching, defense, and improved batting average, but that doesn’t change or mask the lack of power.  And at the end of the day, it costs you games (or in this case the playoffs but thankfully i'm not bitter).

- Darius Hawyard-Bey was not at all impressive.  He dropped four balls and didn’t prove to be faster than anyone.  Additionally, if he’s sooooo fast, why doesn’t he return kicks or punts (Again, thankfully I'm not bitter.)?  At the end of the game, I was hoping they would pull a “Petey” from “Remember the Titans” and switch him to defense specifically to cover Darren Sproles.

- The Oakland Coliseum is an atrocious travesty.  I can’t say enough bad things about it, so I won’t.  But I can understand why the A’s don’t have fans.

***TIME-OUT RANT***

                After watching my first full weekend of football (both college and professional), in a long time, I’ve come to realize that mismanaging of time outs and the clock in general still runs rampant, especially amongst teams and programs that aren’t good.  And there is NOTHING more frustrating to knowledgeable fans.  In this game, the Raiders had a 3^rd and 5 on the Charger 19 with 50 seconds left in the first half.  They could have let the clock run down to 20, taken two shots at the end zone (they still would have had a time out) and still had time to try a field goal.  Instead they call time out at 50 seconds, take a shot at the end zone, kick a field goal, then give the ball back to the Chargers with 40 seconds left, after returner Sproles had already torched them for a 50 yard kickoff return.  So he torched them again and the Chargers tied a game with the field goal.  Anyone who has ever played Madden or NCAA Football video games knew that they should have let the clock run down more. 

                At the end of the first half of the Fresno State-Wisconsin game on Saturday, Wisconsin was basically letting the clock run down after they got a first down on their own 40, and there were 52 seconds left, even though they still had two time-outs.  Then Fresno State inexplicably calls a time-out, Wisconsin launches a long pass, and they end up scoring a five plays later (because they still had time-outs).  What was Fresno State doing?  They weren’t going to get the ball back when the other team had a FIRST FREAKING DOWN. Good teams don’t waste time outs or give the other team enough time to come back and score before the half.  With great teams, you don’t even think about them because they never happen unexpectedly.  I really think I’d be better for QB to spike the ball or a defensive player to encroach rather than burn a time-out too early.  Seriously though, the video games really teach you how to win, like holding the ball at the one for ten extra seconds before entering the end zone, or calling a time-out before the two minute warning to get two play stoppages if you’re on defense.  Or using a run play before the two minute warning if you’re on offense, especially if it’s a passing down and you’re in four down territory.

                The bottom line is that there are twelve year old kids across the nation who grew up on video games that are yelling at the coaches and players on TV for taking stupid time-outs.  I mean that’s a real good indicator of where a program is.  When is the last time you’ve questioned Bill Belicheck or Urban Meyer on a time-out?  Exactly.  Howabout Tom Cable or Charlie Weis?  Enough rant for now, go back and read the rest of the report.