One Protest, Original Or Extra Crispy?
Written by Patterson Belser, Tuesday April 21 2009
by Patterson Belser
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I am sure that many of you, like me, tend to find yourselves thinking about odd things. When left to my own devices, my mind wanders to different bizarre places. It is quite a strange place in my brain, sometimes. But, every once in awhile, I get to read a real and true story that is so astounding in its asinine subject matter that it makes me realize just how mundane my thoughts generally are.
Kentucky Fried Chicken will be sponsoring an attempt to break the world record for the world’s largest chicken dance. I know what you are thinking: They have a record for that already? That is pretty stupid. Yes, I can read your minds. The answer to that question is, yes, there is a record, and it was set back in September of 1996 in Ohio. I knew Ohio was just an odd place. Regardless, this is what KFC wants to see, and what KFC wants, KFC gets.
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) has been fighting a long war against KFC for some years now, and this is the latest affront to their tender sensibilities. The idea of a hundred thousand people getting together to do the chicken dance offends my sensibilities as well, but not enough to put up a fuss. While this dancing should be bothersome to regular people everywhere, the absolute crazy crazies that run PETA are completely up in arms about this (notice my lack of chicken pun here…I will be avoiding chicken puns in their entirety throughout this article).
***PLEASE NOTE***
Now, I want to make this perfectly clear before I go on with this post. I dig animals. Our cat dozes sleepily on the windowsill as I write this, and harm shall never befall him by our hands. Meanwhile, I also think that animals taste delicious, are delicious and are great to eat (animals, not pets). I think that PETA, and any organization that takes itself as uber-serious as PETA always does, is complete garbage, and tends to miss the point due to its fanaticism. Moving on…
While reading a few articles online regarding this story, I had to check out the PETA site to look for their blog section so I could see what the online community had to allow on this. The author of the blog post that I read stated that KFC is “hoping to make a name for itself” by this chicken dance thing. Last time I checked, KFC is already a pretty big name. Nevertheless, the writer said that PETA has appealed to the people at the Guinness World Records organization “to refuse to accept record attempts from companies that have yet to adopt even modest humane reforms to reduce the needless suffering of animals.” The article went on to ask why anyone would want the great Chicken Dance “associated with the pain of billions of chickens…” Hey, PETA, it is called the freaking Chicken Dance! With what is it supposed to be associated?!
So, I read the article, and I laughed to myself, as it was just really funny. But then, I started to read the comments and the hilarity ensued. I must post a few of those comments here exactly as they were written, and then I shall comment on them.
Saliana simply says, “wow. thats just sad”.
Yes, I could not agree more. The fact that this organization is flipping their lids over something as stupid as this is truly sad. You know what else is sad? Your refusal to understand how to use punctuation to form contractions (thats = that’s).
Lu Anne writes, “when i think of all the horrible things being done to innocent animals,it makes me ashamed to be a human”.
When I think of all of the humans out there that missed the point of the previous article and, instead, respond based on emotional outcries that have nothing to do with the subject matter, it makes me ashamed that you are part of my species. Also, there is more poor grammar.
Pepper writes, “This is dumb why would a company dedicated to eating selling and killing chicken flesh want to have a record for the chicken dance wouldn’t chickens be disgraced their only dance has made a record from kfc”.
Wow. I read this and almost did not know where to start with my comments. Basically, Pepper must HATE all forms of capitalization and punctuation. At least this person got “wouldn’t” right. But, asking if chickens would be offended by their dance being ripped off for a world record? Um, seriously? Do you think this person realizes that chickens, more-than-likely, did not invent the chicken dance? My thought is that, no, he or she has no clue.
Talladega Superspeedway will be going ahead with the record attempt, despite the plans for the protest and the Guinness Records people will allow the attempt. I do not blame either of these organizations for not allowing themselves to be bullied by PETA, whatsoever. Both of these groups apparently realize that PETA is full of unhinged maniacs. If you do not fully agree with me, just look at some of their more recent protests.
Members of PETA dressed as the Ku Klux Klan and protested outside of the Westminster Dog Show, comparing the American Kennel Club to the KKK. I am really surprised, because I can not think of many dogs that are as pampered and loved as those that you see at Westminster. But what really amazes me is the fact that a bunch of animal psychos can dress like the Klan in the streets of New York City and not have their asses handed back to them in a Medium Brown Bag.
This is the same silly organization that decided to protest the murder of baby seals…in the game World of Warcraft. Yeah, these touched and deranged animal lovers are just that whacked.
Protesting killing animals in a video game and a world record attempt for the chicken dance is really out there, even for an institution that prides itself on being nutters. But, if an organization is going to protest the chicken oriented material, including the chicken dance, it will have its work cut out for it.
First, the protesting would be immense, and would cause problems within every single Bar Mitzvah, Polish Wedding and Oktoberfest held around the world. Can you imagine Oktoberfest with no chicken dance? I would have to protest the protest! OK, maybe not.
Next, members of PETA would have to do away with Arrested Development, the former show on Fox that featured the best chicken dances of all time. But, if a person throws away a DVD box set, would an animal choke on it?
Finally, the most egregious of all the chicken related monstrosities is almost beyond a boycott. It is simply just that awful. As I spoke to my brother today, he said he was listening to the Rick & Bubba Show this morning, and a caller brought up the most nefarious of all chicken evil-doers that PETA should take down with extreme prejudice: Gonzo the Great. When not being shot out of a cannon or trying to figure out exactly what he is, Gonzo spends his time trying to have a very inappropriate relationship with Camilla, who is a chicken. But, if this was not already the most disgusting atrocity that could possibly happen to a chicken, the chances are that it happened to multiple chickens on the set of The Muppet Show. After all, the chickens were all identical.
Oh, PETA, when will you get your priorities in order?
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3 comments
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PETA stinks! Gob, on the other hand, is totally money. I find myself doing the "KUH-KUKUH-KUKUH" around our apartment sometimes. How can you not?
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haha, i forgot how funny was Gob's chicken dance. PETA sucks http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-o4_ABk1l1Y
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Great article!