( ) = previous rank

1. Alabama Crimson Tide (1) (11-0; defeated Mississippi State 32-7) – That zero becomes increasingly important by the second for the Tide. They get to sit and rest this week while they watch the Big 12 carnage unfold for the 50th time this year.
 

2. Texas Tech Red Raiders (2) (10-0; BYE) – I am going to be completely worthless to society during the game against Oklahoma on Saturday. There will be a very clear outline of my person on the couch after it's over. Couch fibers will begin to grow over my skin and we will become one. Plus there is bound to be some kickass munchables.
 

3. Florida Gators (3) (9-1; defeated No. 23 South Carolina 56-6) – Eww. That score is violent and off-putting. What do they have in store for the Citadel this weekend?
 

4. Texas Longhorns (4) (10-1; defeated Kansas 35-7) – I feel bad for Kansas. They've lost like 100 games, but they're still one of the better teams in the country. Look at the freaking onslaught they've had to face every week. Somewhere Mark Mangino is, well, you know where I'm going with this.
 

5. Oklahoma Sooners (5) (9-1; BYE) – I am rooting for Tech to win this game, because Oklahoma annually has its day in the spotlight. Plus 'Lubbock' sounds a lot more badass than 'Norman.' Final score, regardless of winner, 132-130.
 

6. Utah Utes (6) (11-0; defeated San Diego State 63-14) – Saddle up for the Mormon Bowl this Saturday as they face BYU. I will certainly be there. In spirit I mean, cuz in person that would be really uncomfortable.
 

7. Boise State Broncos (7) (10-0; defeated Idaho 45-10) – I know I have mentioned their blue field several times before, but seriously -- whose idea was it to install that thing? It is just the worst.
 

8. Penn State Nittany Lions (8) (10-1; defeated Indiana 34-7) – There is actually a Big Ten game of significance this weekend. Hmm. Never thought I'd see the day. If Penn State doesn't maul Michigan State I will be a very confused little boy.
 

9. USC Trojans (9) (9-1; defeated Stanford 45-23) – Sure, the final score looks devastating, but this game was close until the fourth quarter. Color me continually unimpressed.
 

10. Ohio State Buckeyes (10) (9-2; defeated Illinois 30-20) – If this were any other year I would be supremely excited for the Michigan game. But now that Michigan is a pile of used diapers -- not so much. You can throw out the records when these teams play to a degree, but Ohio State is just far too good for Michigan to compete with this time.
 

11. Missouri Tigers (11) (9-2; defeated Iowa State 52-20) – Other that the few enormous games this weekend, there really isn't a lot going on depth-wise. Only 18 of the AP top 25 play this week. Missouri is off as well; that's why I brought it up. I am consistent like that.
 

12. Ball State Cardinals (12) (10-0; defeated Miami (OH) 31-16) – They play a pretty good Central Michigan team on the road on Wednesday. It's probably the last opportunity they will have to impress the all-powerful computer.
 

13. Oklahoma State Cowboys (13) (9-2; defeated Colorado 30-17) – They're out of the BCS picture now, but you can bet I'm going to watch the hell out of whatever bowl they're in. Being the 4th-best team in the Big 12 is like being the 2nd hottest Brazilian Victoria's Secret model -- it still means something.
 

14. TCU Horned Frogs (17) (9-2; BYE) – In a perfect world they would play against a school a couple hours south of here; the UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs.
 

15. Georgia Bulldogs (16) (9-2; defeated Auburn 17-13) – It's hard to believe they were No. 1 for so many weeks at the beginning of the year. They seem like such a pedestrian team now.
 

16. Michigan State Spartans (14) (9-2; BYE) – They have a huge opportunity in their game against Penn State this week. A win could put them right back in major bowl contention.
 

17. Cincinnati Bearcats (20) (8-2; defeated Louisville 28-20) – People have always wondered what a bearcat is. Well, my friends, I have come to educate you. A bearcat is one of the nicknames of the binturong, a non-bear, non-cat creature that can be found in Bangladesh, India, China and Vietnam. It primarily eats fruit and is a nocturnal, arboreal animal. So the next time Joe Lunchpail asks you what a bearcat is, you can stuff that knowledge in his face and walk away a better individual.
 

18. Pittsburgh Panthers (19) (7-2; BYE) – Why in holy hell have they played only nine games? Some teams have played 12 already. Not cool, Pittsburgh.
 

19. LSU Tigers (24) (7-3; defeated Troy 40-31) – I would laugh at the fact that Troy really should have won this game and therefore poked fun at LSU for being so soft. But then I remembered a couple years ago when Troy damn near beat my Seminoles. I clammed up pretty quickly when I made the mental connection.
 

20. Oregon State Beavers (25) (7-3; defeated Cal 34-21) – I find it wildly hilarious that if they win out they win the Pac-10. Pete Carroll will go home and cry himself to sleep on his huge pilla'.
 

21. North Carolina Tar Heels (15) (7-3; lost to Maryland 17-15) – Seriously, what the eff is going on with the ACC this year? I don't understand.
 

22. Oregon Ducks (NR) (8-3; defeated Arizona 55-45) – The only reason they are ranked this week is because I didn't think it was necessary or wise to rank another ACC team. They'd just lose their next game anyway.
 

23. BYU Cougars (21) (10-1; defeated Air Force 38-24) – I feel that this is where they belong in the rankings. They have lost a game and have played the weakest schedule ever. Only a win on Saturday against Utah will send them up my board.
 

24. Florida State Seminoles (18) (7-3; lost Boston College 27-17) – Thanks for once again losing on national television you uncontrollable bastards. If I didn't love you so much I would hate you.
 

25. Boston College Eagles (NR) (7-3; defeated No. 18 Florida State 27-17) – I hate you and everything about you.

Fallen from the ranks: Tulsa (22), South Carolina (23)