My Bottom 5 Guys That I Think Stink For 2010
Written by Patterson Belser, Monday February 08 2010
by Patterson Belser
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We are officially one week out from the Daytona 500. It is an exciting time of the year, for those of us that love this sport (and a big apology to those of you that live with people like us that watch every race of the season). I figure that now is as good a time as any to take a long, hard look at some of the drivers for the 2010 season, and give me a chance to offer some well thought out opinions on some of them. Or, I can do what I always do, and make snap judgments that are based in half-truths. This way, I can explain which guys are my favorites and least-favorite drivers for the 2010 season, and the reasons (sometimes completely insane) why I think this way.
Recently, I focused on my Top 6 favorites for the upcoming NASCAR season. While I am sure each of you felt as if you had been showered upon with my positivity, upon reading today, I want each of you to bask in the gloriousness of my mighty negative attitude. BASK IN IT! Today, I will turn all of my attention and focus onto some of my least favorite guys out there for the 2010 season. Oh, and it will be a blast to take a look in this direction. While yesterday, I put in a caveat relating to my favorites, and saying that this was not meant to pick the 2010 champion, I will not need that disclaimer today...mostly because these guys stink. Well, most of them stink, while one has a great chance to make a run for a championship, but I will be enraged if this does happen.
My Bottom 5 List of People That I Think Stink (in no particular order):
- Robby Gordon -
Alright, so let me see if I fully grasp this concept. If you give Robby Gordon a baja’ed out truck and send him to the middle of nowhere to race other psychopaths in baja’ed out trucks, then he will beat their brains out with a tire iron. But, if you take the same Robby Gordon and put him in stock car, and let him run on asphalt tracks in suburbs across this great nation, then all he can do is wreck other people and blow up cars? He basically has the NASCAR mental faculties of a pre-teen boy with a predilection for pyromania. Wreck it, burn it. Wreck it, burn it. (insert maniacal laughter quite like a mad scientist) Yes, these are apparently the things that make Robby happy…at least in NASCAR.
- Casey Mears -
One time, many years ago, when Casey Mears was but a wee lad, a
magical thing happened one night. Mears was awakened from his slumber
in his race car bed by a fairy! Oh, and a beautiful fairy she was.
Mears was befuddled by the whole incident, but was intrigued as the
fairy spoke. She said:
Casey, you are a very special boy. When you grow up, you are destined
to race in NASCAR's top series. It is true. You will race among the
greats in the business, and it will be a thrilling experience. But
please know, that while championships will be won, you are not to be a
winner. It is true, Casey. You are destined for mediocrity.
And just like that, the fairy vanished and Mears' life plan was set in motion. He now lavishes in the luxury of the middle of the pack.
- Denny Hamlin -
Disdain is one word that I would use to describe my feelings on Denny Hamlin. I
really, really dislike this guy. He may be the most fantastic guy who ever
lived. He might be a blast to hang out with. But while I may find it
entertaining to sit down and have a beer with a guy, does not mean
that I like him in a professional manner. Take George W. Bush for
example. I am sure he was fun to hang with, but man did I hate the way
he handled his job. And so, it shall continue for me, this disdain
that I feel towards Hamlin. Is he talented? Totally. Could he win a
championship? Possibly. Does it make me feel all punchy every time I
hear him complain about anyone and everyone in NASCAR? Oh, god yes.
- Jamie McMurray -
Remember, just a few seconds back when I was talking about how much I
disliked Denny Hamlin? Well, in comparison to Jamie McMurray, Hamlin
is one of my favorites. Seriously, what can I say about him that I
haven't already said? I will start by saying that while Danica Patrick
signed the deal that brings her to NASCAR, McMurray is still the
prettiest lady in the sport. Really, just focusing on McMurray for
this long after just having spent some time on Denny is starting to
really anger me. I think it might be in the best interest of my mental
health to move on now. McMurray...McYuck.
- Paul Menard -
I have known people throughout my life that never really had to work that hard due to the fact that their daddy owned a business. This made it so that it did not matter what kind of grades one made, or how hard one worked, because he or she could just go back and work for daddy. I was never afforded this option (damn you, small town solo law practice), so I get a bit frustrated when sorry sacks have this presented to them. So is Paul Menard. In a time when finding sponsorships to run in NASCAR is at an all-time level of difficulty, Menard is allowed to continue to wreck everyone all over the circuit because his daddy can afford to keep buying new cars…and slapping his company’s name along the side of each one. This ensures that Menard really never has to do much of much, other than to grow the spindliest shitbox love patch (that little bit of hair he grows under his bottom lip) anyone has ever seen. Oh, what a douche.
There are so many people that could fill this list, but I am going to leave it at that. It is a long season, and I will not waste all of my material this early in the season.
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How about that? That guy you call McYuck won the 500! Haha, just kidding around. I think Hamlin will make the Chase, and McMurray has an outside shot at the chase, but other than that your list is right on.