Mondiversions For The Last Week Of November
Written by Patterson Belser, Tuesday December 01 2009
by Patterson Belser
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This truly is one of the oddest times of the year. We are fresh off the heels of Thanksgiving, and the thing that I am most thankful for is that we do not have a fridge full of leftovers. Next up, we have Hanukkah (or Chanukah or however you want to spell it, as I do not think there is an incorrect way to do so) around these parts. Then, that leads onto Christmas (complete with the trip to Alabama for the holiday and some much deserved time off of work). So, we are slap in the middle of the major holiday season for those of us in America (sorry Canadians) but completely out of NASCAR season. At least, with all of these holidays around, it is something to take my mind of not having racing to watch every weekend. Ahh, time fillers.
In order to occupy myself until Daytona and before I start my Christmas and Hanukkah shopping (who am I kidding, I am going to put that off for quite some time), then I suppose I will share with each and every one of you a few stories from the past week or so that I have found most interesting. Of course, my form of sharing would not be complete if these links were not accompanied by my own brand of snarky comments and smartass attitude. Now, after my last column here, I received a complaint or two about my word usage and writing style. So, to work with those of you that may have been offended, I am going to see if I can keep up this hateful work ethic.
What in the name of everything that is holy am I doing still yammering about all of this when I could just be spouting off random nonsense and having each of you read it (and some of you get mad at me for it)?! It is time to end the month on a solid note (and I would not have it any other way), with Mondiversions.
Alright, so the big season wrap-up is that some guy by the name of James Johnson won the big title championship trophy deal. It was a crazy finish to a wacky season! I mean, who saw this one coming…oh, you all did? I see. Well, you should all just feel so great for yourselves. Book a ticket to Vegas immediately with those masterful powers of prognostication and get rich picking the numbers, or ponies, or whatever the hell it is that people do in Vegas. Congratulations, you are all millionaires now!
Hey, all you new millionaires out there. Why not follow in Jimmie Johnson’s footsteps and do something good with all that new loot? Because, when he is not winning four championships in a freaking row, he is saving the state of American education. Yeah, he wrote what was basically a million dollar check to some school districts. Fantastic, sir. I would like to bring your attention to a certain little home school that I run here in Chicago, that is in desperate need of some funding. Find me on Twitter!
But, whenever you have a big winner, it goes without saying that someone has to lose. Though it is arguable that Jeremy Mayfield is this year’s big loser in NASCAR (and that is my big understatement of the year, so enjoy it), it just so happens that one gentleman walked away with another runner-up finish. Oh Mark, you stop worrying. You are a young man with your whole life ahead of you.
Speaking of guys who lost the Sprint Cup Championship this year, it turns out that when one door closes, another smaller door opens, at least it does if you are Kyle Busch. Kyle was this year’s Nationwide Series champion, which was bound to happen, as the guy runs enough to almost justify his amount of temper-tantrums. Sometimes, a boy needs a nap, or else he gets cranky. Get some sleep, Kyle. No more racing for a few more weeks.
Let me see, what else can we wrap-up here to end the season. Ah, here is one. Joey Logano won Rookie of the Year. Well, that was not as thrilling as I had hoped it would be. What about this one, kids…Jeff Gordon’s pit crew won the Fastest Pit Crew award, given out by AT&T! Hmmm, even with the exclamation mark, that did not have nearly the harrumph for which I was hoping. I suppose I will just mark these up as (and pay close attention, this is a technical term) “Who gives a shit about this?”
Wait, I got it! Here is a post-season record that I care about! It turns out that Brian Vickers is, as the article points out, “The Worst Chaser in History!” That is a spectacular record. But come on, Team Red Bull, you guys can do it. I enjoy your beverage way too much for this to be the last we hear from you.
WARNING…WARNING…STEREOTYPE ALERT!!! Larry the Cable Guy + NASCAR = This. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. The only saving grace of this is the fact that Warner Music Nashville’s Vice President of Marketing’s last name is Cashiola. Yes, if you ever thought that music execs were not JUST in it for the proverbial “cashiola”, now you know.
So, it was determined today that more or less, Danica Patrick would be sticking to her IRL schedule and not jumping into NASCAR just yet. Meanwhile, pictures surfaced earlier today showing Danica wearing a green firesuit that definitely has the NASCAR Nationwide Series logo on the right shoulder and the JR Motorsports logo on the other. These pictures were quickly taken down from the website, which leads one to believe that this was quite a faux pas and someone behind the scenes is having the nerd ass handed to them.
Finally, here is something that I am really enjoying reading, and that is a series that is being put together over at Yahoo by Jay Busbee, as he does a rundown of the Best of the Decade in NASCAR. The first is a broad Top 10 NASCAR stories of the decade. Of course, this is followed by the Top 10 Worst Wrecks of the 2000’s. Awesome. The winner of the best wrecks is predictable, but much deserved.
I could not walk away without giving you at least a taste of LOLNASCAR. Here is to a stellar post-season that leads into pre-season!
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