Cougar Hunting Report
Written by Big Poppa TC, Wednesday September 02 2009
So I had a very exciting weekend from a sports perspective. On Friday night, I engaged in the most mythical of urban jungle rituals, as my friends and I went cougar hunting in the concrete suburban wilderness known as Palo Alto. It was advertised that there would be a large pack of cougars on the prowl in that area. On Saturday night, we went to the Giants-Rockies game, which ended up being yet another Zito gem. I wanted to write about both events, but was unsure how to format this column. So I'm just gonna make a highlight and lowlight list for the cougar hunt and skip the baseball game summary for now (you know what happened: Zito rocked, we had a little offense, Wilson with the save. And the Giants won Sunday too in dramatic fashion).
Cougar hunting – Top 5 Highlights
5. There was a softly-lit clearing in the middle of the jungle, and we were able to observe the cougars, many of whom were extremely gray and mature, circle, stalk, and capture their prey. In fact many of the cougars were so grey that they had become blue, and many of the hunters/prey were really, really, really glad to be captured (way more than one would think). It was both disturbing and breathtaking, like any time Sarah Palin says anything.
4. After two hours of deliberate, fervent searching, we found the rarest of all cougars: The Asian gold cougar! It is sleek and toned, with smooth black fur, and intense eyes. This rare cougar is said to bring wealth and prosperity to those who would capture it. And this gold cougar was escorted by the far more common Asian red cougar. So I grabbed a winghunter then we stalked and approached the duo, carefully gauging each step, waiting for a chance to take a shot…
3. Many of the other hunters in the jungle were simply hilarious. There was the older, muscular, Mediterranean hunter with the ultra-tight v-neck sweater and white skinny jeans with oily slicked back hair (everyone reading this has seen someone like this before); there was the nerdy Singaporean hunter who hunted with the ‘shock and awe’ method of jumping out and scaring the cougars (surprisingly effective); there were the hunters who dressed up too much (effectively ruining the camouflage) and took the hunt way too seriously, probably the saddest and the funniest.
2. Hanging with the homies. Hunting is a sacred bonding ritual amongst the males of every species, and cougar hunting is a grand experience that created a special shared cougar memory, etched permanently in my psyche. I won’t forget the hunter with the Mohawk, the vertically-challenged (but not horizontally challenged) pink cougar, and the tasty “before and after” pizza parties.
1. The legendary Santa Rosa cougar. The most beautiful and vibrant of all cougars, this cougar (actually more of a hybrid puma/cougar) snuck up on me as soon as we entered the jungle. This cougar was fit, clean, and lithe. She would be the ‘kill’ of lifetime, cougar or not. After she wounded myself and one of my friends with her claw, we escaped to hunt another day. I was sure I would come back and find the elusive Santa Rosa cougar, securing the kill later...
Cougar Hunting - Bottom 5 Lowlights
5. As is always the case when hunting in the South Bay (aka Man Jose), there were a lot of hunters. Like a lot. Towards the end of the hunt, there were probably four hunters to every cougar. When this is the case, it doesn’t matter what type of weapon you’re using or how great a shot you are, all the other hunters keep blocking your line of fire. Obviously this becomes frustrating and makes it nearly impossible to secure a kill. Nearly.
4. I took my shot at the rare Asian gold cougar. My head was spinning with golden visions of watches, cars, fancy dinners, and pretentious discussions about post-modern art. Alas, when the smoke cleared, the Asian gold cougar was gone. I had missed. A thin, Indian hunter later claimed that kill, as well as the associated glory. To this day, I still search for a golden cougar, to bring me the wealth and stability that I so mildly deserve.
3. The ‘weapons’ they were selling in the jungle were extremely over-priced. They sold weapons from Scotland and Russia, as well as domestic equipment from Milwaukee and South Tennessee. They were charging way above market value for the weaponry, much more than you would pay if you were hunting non-cougars. And believe you me, you need to purchase the weaponry to engage in a real cougar hunt.
2. There were sooooo many hunters there that it was both the second and fifth worst thing about cougar hunting. Seriously.
1. I never got to take another shot at the legendary Santa Rosa cougar. After taking a break to consume some nourishment, I went back to find the Santa Rosa cougar. I caught a quick glimpse in the clearing, but she was already surrounded by hunters. So I never got another chance to take the shot. This is a regret I will carry with me, for at least another eighteen minutes.
Cougar Conclusions
There are way too many hunters in the South Bay Area, but I think the cougar hunt is a worthwhile endeavor for every young hunter to experience once in a lifetime. And who knows, you may just capture an Asian gold cougar or the legendary Santa Rosa cougar. . . or you may be captured by one.
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6 comments
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If another hunter blocks you during this endeavour, would that be considered a "Croc Block"?
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Haha, there is no 'hunting' section on playerpress, so 'outdoors' seemed most appropriate. i'm sure the hunt coordinators made a ton of money i personally have enough cougar for a while (including the BYU variety)
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Loving it. Agreed something was missing: perhaps a concealed microphone or hidden camera in your bow tie...guess i should have been there myself. I'm sure there will be many a Cougar Fests to come. If it was as successful as you allege it to have been.
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The funny thing about this hilarious post is that it is posted on the "outdoors" category, haha.
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LOL! That was great! Next time take some pics...
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When I was younger, I liked the cougars. Now I find I'm a fan of BYU. Just make sure they're 18.