There has been so much going on in the sports world that I simply have not been able to keep up.  Since I don't have time to write full articles on everything, I thought I would simply touch briefly on multiple subjects.  Kind of like this first subject here.

Pitino's REAL Problem

Rick Pitino was worried about what his wife would say if she found out about his affair.  Hey Rick, she probably has more of a problem with your performance in the bedroom if you only last 15 seconds, as you admitted in court.  That poor woman.

Roy Oswalt Provides a Spark

Yes, Oswalt will provide a nice trade deadline spark to the Phillies quest to become the first NL team to win the NL pennant in 60 years, but that's not what I'm talking about.  Apparently Roy is such a redneck that he once cured his own elbow problems with a spark plug.  In the winter of 1999, Oswalt had a sore arm after throwing 150 minor league innings that season.  While working on his pickup truck, he was shocked by an exposed spark plug and claims that he was instantly pain free.  The speculation among trainers is that  the shock dissolved scar-tissue that built up in his arm.  That's so redneck I hear that Jeff Foxworthy is including that story in his future "You might just be a redneck" standup routines.

What a Snake

The LA Dodgers keep a boa constrictor in their clubhouse. His name is Larry the Boa - named after third base coach and former Phillies star Larry Bowa.  I have been unable to confirm whether or not the Chicago Cubs had a bird in their clubhouse named Marlon the Byrd. 


Who Gets to Keep the Physicist?

It was kept a secret from even top-level club officials, but as part of the divorce proceedings between Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife Jamie it was revealed that for the last 5 years the Dodgers have paid a 71-year-old Russian physicist named Vladimir Shpunt to direct positive energy waves at the team.  I swear that I am not making this up.  Shpunt attended just one game at Dodgers stadium and normally worked while watching games on TV from 3,000 miles away.  Hell, if they wanted positive energy they should have simply not traded for Manny Ramirez.

A-Rod on the Case

I know why A-Roid, I mean A-Fraud, er, Alex Rodriguez can't seem to hit that elusive 600th home run.  No, it isn't the lack of steroids (OK, maybe that has a little to do with it).  I think A-Rod is preoccupied with his new job.  Seems that the U.S. Trustee, an arm of the Justice Department that monitors bankruptcies, has named Rodriguez to a three-member committee representing Texas Rangers creditors during the team's bankruptcy case.  The former Ranger is the largest creditor of the team: $24.9 in deferred compensation.  Hey, why doesn't he just buy the team instead of Nolan Ryan and his group.  Players are always complaining about the owners, so why doesn't he round up a few other Yankees who also make an annual salary that is the equivalent of the GNP of Guam and buy the team?  Maybe he could hire Madonna, or whoever his tart of the month is, to be team president.  It worked out well for Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and his wife right?  Oh wait.    

Hey Hey Hey, It's Fat Albert

Washington Redskins DT Albert Haynesworth held out through all of the team's OTAs because he didn't like the team's new 3-4 defense under new head coach Mike Shanahan.  When the team didn't trade him, Haynesworth decided he should show up for the beginning of training camp this week.  It seems that Fat Albert wasn't exactly a workout warrior while he was away from the team.  Haynesworth has failed a fitness test, required by the team before he can practice, on each of the last three days and now he has a knee injury.  Maybe Haynesworth should try it without his wallet in his back pocket.  That $100 million that owner Daniel Snyder gave him really seems to be weighing him down.

Older than Dirt

OK, Jamie Moyer isn't older than dirt but he actually is older than MLB's First Year Player Draft.  The draft originated in 1965 and Moyer was born in 1962.  While Moyer's season may be over due to an elbow injury, he plans to resume his career next year at the age of 48.  All of this is not the most amazing part.  Moyer's 18-year-old son Dillon was drafted this year by the Minnesota Twins.  This is the first time in the history of any major sport (That I could find in my exhaustive research - Google is my friend) that an active player has had his son drafted in the same sport.  Maybe I'll still be a world-famous writer when my son gets hired as a sports writer.  Or maybe he'll actually do something worthwhile with his life. 

Stephen Strasburg is a HUGE B-Dub Fan

Apparently Washington Nationals phenom Stephen Strasburg is such a fan of my writing that he pays tribute to me with each and every pitch that he throws.  Chicago White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper was the first one to observe the touching tribute.  He pointed out Strasburg's tendency to form an "inverted W" when he delivers a pitch - raising his elbows higher than his shoulders and squeezing his shoulder blades.  You see the "Dub" of B-Dub is short for "W"(pronounced "Double U", for those of you out there who are a little slow), or the first letter of my last name.  It's nice that "Double S" is such a big fan of my work, but this tribute may cause harm to his career.  The motion reminded Cooper of former Cubs pitcher Mark Prior's delivery.  Prior just so happens to be out of baseball at the age of 29 with elbow and shoulder problems.  Just give me a shout-out in interviews every once in a while OK Stevie?  I don't want to jeopardize your career. 

Miss Iowa Goes to Washington

Miguel Batista was a last minute replacement for Strasburg on Tuesday night, when the phenom couldn't get loose during his pre-game warm-ups.  (Will this be the end of the B-Dub Tribute already?)  Obviously when Batista took the mound, the 40,000 fans who came to see Strasburg and not the Nationals or Batista pitch, started booing.  After the game Batista understood the reaction, but still managed to put his foot in his mouth.  "Imagine if you go to see Miss Universe, then you end up having Miss Iowa, you might get those kind of boos," Batista said.

Apparently Batista has never seen the reigning Miss Iowa, Katherine "Not Sarah" Connors.  Realizing his mistake, Batista said he meant no disrespect and sent Connors flowers.  Connors took it all in good humor and responded, "I know I can throw a pitch or two!  The question is, can Miguel Batista walk the runway in a swimsuit."  Thank God the Nationals PR department picked the better of those two choices.  Nobody wants to see Batista in a swimsuit, so they invited Connors to throw out the first pitch before the Nationals game against the Phillies on Friday night.  Connors donned a Nationals jersey with "MISS IOWA" on the back and the appropriate No. 10 on the back.  She didn't throw a perfect strike, but she was way better than Obama, who was too far to the left (pun intended) when he tried to throw out the first pitch earlier this year.     

Signs of the Apocalypse

The St. Louis Rams signed No. 1 overall draft pick Sam Bradford to a six-year $78 million contract, with $50 million guaranteed.  That's the most guaranteed money for any player in the NFL.  The second highest is last year's No. 1 pick, Matthew Stafford of the Lions, with $41.7 million guaranteed.  So to review, two guys who never played a down in the NFL signed contracts for more guaranteed money than guys like Peyton Manning and Tom Brady.  Yeah, that makes sense.  

And finally, you didn't think I was going to spend an entire article rambling on without ripping my two favorite QBs did you?  Of course not.

Dumb and Dumber

I won't rehash the whole shooting incident at Michael Vick's 30th Birthday Party, but it came up again since Vick reported to Eagles training camp this week and spoke about the matter for the first time.  Vick said that he wasn't involved in the shooting and didn't know who the shooter was.  OK, he convinced NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell of that since he wasn't suspended, but then he said something that just doesn't add up.  Vick said that he heard about the shooting approximately 15 minutes after it happened.  Hmmmm.  He didn't answer the obvious follow-up question; "Uh Michael, if the police didn't know about the shooting 15 minutes after it happened and the press didn't report the story until HOURS later, how exactly did you find out about it 15 minutes after it happened?  Who told you?"  Silence.  This idiot should never speak unless his publicist, agent or someone else with a functioning brain scripts his every word.  And how is the Philadelphia media smarter than the Newport News Police and the NFL Commissioner, if they put that together (along with yours truly)?

And finally my old pal Donovan McNabb made news again and it wasn't good.  Is it ever with that Dunce?  McNabb gave an interview where he said his career wouldn't be defined by whether or not he won a Super Bowl.  Yeah, I'm sure Daniel Snyder, Mike Shanahan and Redskins fans everywhere were just thrilled to hear that it's not the end of the world to McNabb if he never wins a Super Bowl.  I am so glad that Loser is out of Philly.