A Special Daytona 500
Written by Racin with Russ, Monday February 09 2009
With the advent of numerous new NASCAR Sprint Cup teams this year, and a large downturn in the economy, anything is likely to occur at this year’s Daytona 500.
By Russell Schmidt
Here’s the way I see it….
It’s a warm and sunny day for the running of the 51st Daytona 500 and the surprises begin from the moment the cars take to the track. The 2010 Camaro Pace car comes to a halt on the front stretch, the result of an electrical short in a not so sorted prototype. In a pinch, a Toyota Prius is used, yet the car has a problem keeping a pace much over 50 mph.
As the field finally comes to the green, surprised polesitter A.J. Almendinger leads the field into the first turn with Boris Said and Carl Long not far behind.
The pack runs in a tight three-a-breast formation until lap 10, when Busch brothers Kyle and Kurt have taken each other out in turn 3. Next time the field comes by, the two brothers are seen beating the tar out of each other on the grass next to their cars. Officials finally break it up, but not before NASCAR President Mike Helton is punched in the face, requiring the big man to be transferred to an area hospital. As he’s taken away, Helton exclaims, “I’ll see the two of you in the trailer at the end of the race!”
Once underway, Tony Stewart snookers Almendinger off of turn 4 by driving on the grass in his Old Spicey Chevy. Not one to be outdone, three laps later, Stewart’s replacement in the No. 20 HomeBoy Depot Chevy, Joey Logano bumps him out of the way, exclaiming out the window, “Out of the way ya old chub!”
Logano leads the next 21 laps with Jeff Gordon close behind driving his Dupunty Chevy with the words on the deck lid, “Will win for food!”
The caution flag flies on lap 57 when too many McDonalds food wrappers are flying around on the track, the result of most race fans bringing their own food in an effort to beat the ridiculous track prices.
Teams come down pit lane, only to have a problem finding their pit spots, the result of teams scaling back on crewmen and pit spot indicators. The stops are taking longer than ever, the result of economic cutbacks and two less crewmen. Dale Earnhardt Jr emerges first out of the pits, much to the delight of the partisan crowd, also the result of changing only three tires, yet another budget cutback.
The field spreads out with Junior out front, but here comes the rest of the Hendrick warriors, Mark Martin, Jimmie Johnson and Gordon. Martin zooms by with the rest in tow, but the Roushkateers of Carl Edwards and Greg Biffle have other ideas.
Edwards and Biffle zip by on the high and low side of the Hendrick Chevy’s, laughing all the while as they back off the hidden nitrous buttons once clear.
Lap 159 action finds the ‘big wreck’ started by Stewart when he attempts to pay back Sliced Bread for the earlier indiscretion. The two-car incident kicks off yet another ‘big wreck’ involving 21 cars. Most of the cars have been destroyed, yet most of the drivers are ok with Michael Waltrip the only one injured. Seems that the vain racer was touching up his hair on the way out of his car and fell on his face, cutting his upper lip and breaking his nose. “I wanted to look good standing next to what was left of my NAPA Toyota,” said the shameless spokesperson.
A long clean-up is made even longer when the track is relegated to using brooms to clean up the track and having only two wreckers slowed down the process immensely, again due to economic cutbacks.
With the lengthy clean-up finally complete, the Great American Race comes down to a five-lap shootout. Joe Nemechek leads the field because of not pitting along with Jeremy Mayfield and James Hylton.
Two laps to go finds most of what’s left to race three and four-wide with Junior zooming up the outside of the field and Martin pushing him to the front.
The white flag flies and the Hendrick pack is four wide blocking the path of a hard charging Edwards and Jamie McMurray.
The tight pack comes off turn 4 for the final time and it looks like one of the Hendrick cars is going to take the checkers…but wait….there’s a wreck….. a big wreck. There are cars everywhere. There’s a constant sound of crunching metal followed by a huge plume of smoke and flames blocking the line of sight for all concerned as the checkered flag flies.
When the smoke clears, there are three cars that have come to rest just inches beyond the finish line. Two cars are bottom to bottom on their sides, and on top of one other racecar with AARP on it.
The two cars are none other than Junior and Martin with veteran racer Geoff Bodine on the bottom, winning his second career 500 by less than a half inch. But, wait a minute, there’s word coming that while the car is definitely Bodine’s….the driver may not be.
We’re starting to see an outline of the driver…..helmet on, light colored suit, we’re looking to see a bald head once the helmet is off…but…wait….the overall size of this driver is no Geoff Bodine…while Bodine is 5’ 6” at best, this hulking grey haired figure is much larger….and ….why, that’s… none other than the legendary A.J. Foyt! How did?….when did he get in?…all I can tell you race fans is that we were as stunned as anyone to discover A.J. Foyt as the winner of this race…but there he was waving to the crowd.
In a further effort to save money, victory lane took place right next to the pile of cars where Gatorade was sprayed in place of cannon-ed confetti and a megaphone used to save electricity while interviewing the winner.
When the 74-year-old tired, yet happy winner was asked how he got to the front after not being seen all day. He replied between sips of oxygen with, “I just held it to the floor for the entire last lap and closed my eyes…I felt a few bumps, but I figured it was probably my last race anyway and whatever happens, happens.”
“When did you decide or know you were going to get behind the wheel,” asked one reporter. The aging racer said, “This morning, I was in Bodine’s pit, and missed the idea of not suiting up. I made a comment to him about driving, and he smart talked me to say,” “How would ya fit in there old man?”. “That’s when I decided to take over despite his protests. He backed off after I backslapped him out of the way.”
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2 comments
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I can't wait till the big race!! Great article!
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Funny stuff! Anything that involves poking fun at a Prius, Waltrip's well-coiffed do and some old fashioned face slapping is is an article that I can enjoy! Thanks, Russ.