Dear Santa,

There are some people who say you're not real, but I believe in you.  How is Mrs. Claus?  Rudolph and the other reindeer?  Do you still have the Bumble put the star on the top of the big Christmas tree or has he retired by now?  Anyway, I have been a good(ish) boy this year and I was wondering if you could bring me all the things on my Christmas list.  Here goes.

1. I want a Super Bowl parade for my Philadelphia Eagles before I die.  It's been 51 years since their last championship, so they're due anyway right?  I mean, this is getting cruel.  Those Douchebag Boston fans don't even care about the Patriots and they've won a few in recent years.  Why do I keep getting coal in my Eagles stocking hung by the fireplace with care?  I'm gonna throw that thing IN the fireplace pretty soon.

2. I want Andy Reid fired.  I know that's not exactly in the holiday spirit, but Reid is the worst game-day coach I have ever seen and he couldn't pick a good player out of the NFL Hall of Fame.  In his 13th year, Reid has proved that his incompetence will never lead my team to that Super Bowl parade I asked for above.  

3. Staying with the Eagles theme, could you maybe send somebody to make owner Jeffrey Lurie an offer he can't refuse.  I mean a big money offer, not a horse head in his bed offer.  Although......  Lurie just doesn't have what it takes to be a winner.  And if he goes, he'll take Joe Banner with him.  Good riddance.

4. I guess I won't be getting any of those retro NFL team "Footie pajamas" for the Eagles huh?  Darn.

5. I'm not the biggest hockey fan, but can you maybe help out Chris Pronger.  He's a hell of a player and seems to be a good guy, but his career may be over due to repeated concussions.  If he's done, then so be it.  It would just be nice if he didn't end up like some other less fortunate athletes who suffered head trauma, like Ali.

6. Can you get Flyers coach Peter Laviolette to bench Ilya Bryzgalov and start Sergei Bobrovsky?  It's nothing against Bryzgalov exactly.  I just want a fellow "Bob" between the pipes.

7. Tickets to all the Winter Classic events would be nice.  I could pay off Christmas for my family buy selling all of them but the tickets to the Alumni game.  I want to see the old "LCB" line of Reggie Leach, Bobby Clarke and Bill Barber.  And I want to see Bernie Parent back in net against some of those New York Rangers I grew up hating.  I wonder if Ron Duguay still has long hair and will play without a helmet.  I can still hear the whistles from the crowd when he was on the ice.  

8. How about another World Series Championship for these Phillies before they start collecting Social Security?  They were the best team in all of baseball last year with 102 wins, but came up short.  I don't care if they already won one recently.  I'm getting greedy.  Hey, they even wear red.

9. Can you send a "Managing for Dummies" book, written by Tony LaRussa, to Charlie Manuel?  I love Charlie for winning only the second World Series Championship in the long and tortured history of the Phillies franchise, but he's not exactly the sharpest crayon in the box.

10. On a national level, can you make Tim Tebow shut the hell up?  I don't really care if he wins or loses, but I don't need him shoving his religion down my throat constantly.  That SNL sketch was dead on.  It's like Tebow and his "flock" think Jesus is actually helping the Broncos win.  Enough already.  

11. If Jesus really is helping the Broncos win, I guess that would be OK.  In that case can I have a Brian Dawkins jersey?  He might just be my favorite all-time athlete.

12. Can you somehow cut all athlete salaries in half?  It's way too expensive for the average fan to go to a sporting event anymore.  I should know, since I have had Eagles season tickets for over 20 years.  I don't want the owners to get to keep the money though.  I want everything slashed in half.  Ticket prices, parking, concessions and TV rights fees and advertising, which will decrease the price all companies have to pay for advertising.  It really is our money when an owner overpays a player.  It might not come directly out of our pockets, but it does eventually when the price of our Budweiser, or Coke, or Chrysler or Ford goes up because of the high advertising fees paid to the networks, who in turn pay the leagues billions.  Sorry to get all heavy on you there Santa.  Just wanted to dust off the old Economics degree for a minute there.  

13. Don't let anybody break the passing record of Dan Marino (No. 13) this season.  Maybe some snow in Green Bay and New England to slow down Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady.  You must know Mother Nature, right?  Drew Brees has both his games in the dome (the sissy), so maybe some coal in his stocking to make him depressed.  You once gave me a Marino jersey when I was a kid, so I was always a fan.

14. Can you give Jerry Jones a reverse face-lift?  A face-drop?  He looks downright scary these days.

15. How about a new dog for Michael Vick?  He said he wants one.  May I suggest a pit-bull that was specially trained at Vick's own Bad Newz Kennels?  The Eagles can get out of his contract after next year, so they'll need a new QB either way.

16. Can you give Andy Reid a brain, Joe Banner a heart and Jeffrey Lurie some courage?  Oh wait.....wrong guy.  Sorry.

17. Can the Sixers finally get lucky in the draft?  Other teams get lucky and find superstars, why not the Sixers?  Hey, Jrue Holiday seems pretty special and he's already got the right name.  You specialize in the impossible right Santa?  Well, the current NBA setup makes it almost impossible for teams like the Sixers to win.  Work your magic.  

18. Let the new Sixers owners know that they don't need a mascot.  In a town that already has the "Gold Standard" of sports mascots, the Phillie Phanatic", rolling out a moose, dog or a Ben Franklin on steroids is really lame.  

19. How about some old-school toys?  An electric football game, where you always had that one guy going around in a circle.  A wiffle ball and bat to play with my kids.  New football, baseball, gloves and basketball, so we can go outside and play real sports.  A rod hockey game.  And the Atari 2600 football game where you had three players and they all looked like squares.  I never lost a single game of that and I'm willing to take on all comers.

20. Did I mention the parades?  There can never be enough championship parades for my teams.  Try to bore me with too many, I dare you.

I'll leave some milk and cookies out for you Santa.  I'll leave some carrots for the reindeer.  I'll leave the lights on the tree and have some Vince Guaraldi Trio playing in the background.

Sincerely,

Bobby "B-Dub" Whalon