Sometimes in life we are blessed to find ourself at a spot where we are stopped and get lost completely in thought. Confused but with clarification, we come to the understanding that everything we had been working toward was completely and utterly wrong.

 Sometimes on the downfall, we wonder why everything seems to be unravelling.  That’s the thing about climbing; sometimes we can’t see that on the other side of that hill is a crevice.  Most of the time, we can’t see how long or deep that crevice is.  While in this crevice life can stand still.  During this period I have been able to reflect on where I was; where I am now and where I am headed.  
  
  It has been tough to go through a marriage; a separation; a divorce and a custody case. To be sure, life has its ups and downs. Clearly a marriage, even a good one, will always have ups and downs. The birth of my son was a huge up to both my ex-husband and  me. We saw the separation differently, an up for me and a down for him.. Then, the divorce was a down for me and an up for him. It is difficult to explain that.
    
Throughout this I've had the blessing of having two amazing friends (Kristina Black and Jen Bari). They are a huge up. Both of them have lives of their own (imagine that lol) and I have had the blessing of them sharing with me their ups and downs.
 
Although Kristina has alot to fill me in on, she’s taught me to be patient and understanding; while I have watched Jen have maturity; compassion and draw strength from those around her.  The down side is Kristina moved to Cali in the middle of the hardest year of my life, but she is happy and that is the most important thing after she had the hardest year of her life. Sadly, I seldom see Jen because of all the traveling that’s required for me in the LFL.

    Then there was the break-up with Kyle.  Im pretty sure my Mom, Jen and Kristina and teammates -- specifically Tanyka Renne, Kiera Massette -- watched me unravel over and over in a vicious cycle this summer. ( Im saying if you ever saw New Moon, imagine 50 times worse then that).  You can read about my love for him in old blogs but I’ll never post the break-up details.

 My trainer, Mark Aquino, has turned out to be quite the amazing friend. One upside of  my relationship with Kyle is I would have never met Mark. Mark trained me and prepared me for my first season in the LFL — thanks Mark!  Mark said something to me during my divorce that changed my life and I’ll share it with you: “Dont ever let anyone or anything make you bitter."

 Those words taught me to heal in love and kindness. That has been extremely hard because we are all selfish and it’s easier to want to hate someone who hurts you or who you hurt; but it’s wrong. When we accomplish healing in love, we can appreciate old experiences. I smile and am thankful now for David and Kyle; when I think of former teammates who I let down or who let me down; when I think of lost friends and new friends to come.

     It’s been hard to understand that I have the drive and the motivation and the knowledge to be the best athlete I can be.  I fought injuries all season and played through them.  I refused to let any crevice get in the way of making it to the top of the mountain. I didn’t stop to see the hills I would have to climb to get there.  The hardest part now is knowing the climb as a quarterback will be postponed until next season.

  I could sit here and be pissed off at the world because my body is letting me down. But instead, I fully appretiate my teammate Nicole Stanely and her willingness to fill the spot our team needs now and previously. I found a calming happiness and general joy with our team I hadn’t reached before.  Had our team not fallen apart over and over, I’d never have had the chance to get to know these beautiful women. I have been truly changed by a few teammates — Tanyka, Kiera and Nicole.  

    I will start with Tanyka.  I remember the first day Tanyka was at training camp in Buffalo where Mark was our acting coach. Mark told us to run. I was at the front and Tanyka at the back.  I dropped back and let the rest of the team run by so I could encourage Tanyka. I thought Mark would cut her right away.  She couldnt handle it.  She was tired. Not motivated.  Just not a football player.  Awkward in her movements and quiet.

  Mark did try to cut her in long Island once.  Something in me reached out and I tried to overrule my coach and trainer. I told Tanyka to get back in the drills.  Not to go home even though the coach had "cut" her.  I don’t know what happened that day; it sure the hell wasn’t the athlete in me talking because I didn’t think of her as an athlete then.  I felt I in this ride with her.  I wanted to see her finish.  I wanted to see her grow.

  I got something away more than that.  She changed my life.  Over the last few months she grew as an athlete and I began to learn about her as a person.  Strong, sexy, confident; poised (except when her emotion of love takes over); passionate about the sport and life.  I watched her prevail through team issues; through her personal issues and through everything that touches her life.

  Tanyka has had a tough past, and has endured a hard present.  I truly believe she will always be successful and she will be extremely happy.  What truly changed me about Tanyka is her ability to love people.  She taught me to love those who do and who don’t deserve it; to stay focused on the positive and to not waste a single thought on something negitive unless it’s to try to find a way to see the positive.  Tanyka is the only other one left on our team that has been on this team since day one; she has perseverance.

    Keira came our first week of training camp in PA. While the rest of us had just endured our first day of camp and were exhausted, sweaty and cranky, in walks this beautiful, outspoken, very well put together; truthful girl from NYC.  She had her shit together.  She was a trainer in Manhattan; she was a bartender at the W and she had just survived a break up with a pro athelte.

  I saw in her the desire to show the world that she would be successful and happy.  She didnt know a damn thing about football.  I would watch her in practice.  Coach would have us running routes and she had trouble catching on. I’d get frusterated and jump in to show her " this is how you do it".  During our first game she got thrown in at centre and I learned to trust her under pressure.  While she was in that game, I was more protected and had the most success.

  More players quit but Kiera stayed. Kiera studied.  Kiera put in the work and she persevered.  More than that, she started to promote our team like crazy.  Taking on the media and the appearances in all aspects.  When she saw I needed a break, she just stepped in without a word and put it on her shoulders.  Kiera is on a hill right now but with one foot in front of the other she continues.  Steady does it with Kiera.  Kiera taught me how to listen and how to nuture a friendship.  Kiera has been very honest with me and I have had the privilege to help her through some tough times.  (Thank you for trusting me always. I read today that trust is a better gift than love because it teaches us to love unconditionally.)

    I remember the first day and Nicole stands out in my mind.  Shes standing on the defensive side of the line right lineman. My shoulder had been getting progressively worse.  I called the cadence: Set Hut. Bam Nicole rushed me and somehow right into my injured shoulder.

 " Watch the shoulder,’’  I said.  Her response: "Is that what you’re going to say on game day?"

  At the time, I had a bunch of swear words in my mind. Two hours later I pulled Nicole aside and told her that I respected her and I appreciatied her competitive spirit. I saw alot of myself in her.  I was thankful there was one person I didn’t have to set an example for and I found someone I could look up to as well.  I have looked up to Nicole.  We have stood side by side and have picked each other up.  I lived in her house for three weeks before our first game;  I looked for her on every pass during the first game (it just happened instinctively). She picked up for the spots when I felt weak in the second game (the labrum and tendinitis were horrible during this game);

And for the last month she has been recruiting a new team and learning to be a quarterback.  She has offered up her house for teammates to stay at after practices and appearances. She fed me when I was stuck in PA; I have been kicked out of a game defending her and she will carry the team in the last game.  Nicole taught me to work hard and to stay humble.  She taught me that I can only control myself.  Watching the Miami game online, I saw Nicole fight until the end, even after I was kicked out.  She showed our team and the league to play till the last minute; whether you’re winning or losing.
 
    It’s only in this stand still of divorce; a custody battles; a breakup; doctor's appointments, court dates, travel time, losing every game, being kicked out of a game and being snowed in (here in Buffalo) that I have been able to appretiate the downfall.  I have been blessed with people like my family, my friends and my teammates; my coach (who is the best football coach I have ever had, with the most football knowledge and the most loyal person I know.  He is the biggest winner and even though our team continuously loses he still bleeds Majesty red); My trainer, league officials (who have taken time to coach me on my professionalism after bad interviews or mistakes made during game time); and the kids I grew up with in Lewiston and Niagara Falls ( who love me no matter who I become or where I go or what I do, and will keep me humble).  

    The invigorating side of the downfall is knowing that it will lead us somewhere but never knowing where.  I truly believe that although we spend all this time working towards goals: we are inevitably going to wind up exactly where we belong.  Without my marriage, I would never have had my beautiful son or an ex-husband who is my best friend. Without my divorce I would have never had the opportunity to be so close to my mom;  I would have never moved back home and I would have never had the chance to know Jen or Kristina better.

Without Kyle, I’d never have met Mark, who's words carried my spirit through the toughest year of my life and whose training carried me through my hardest year of football.  Without the LFL there would be no Majesty.  Without my team I would have never met Tanyka; Without our team falling apart I would have never been touched by Kiera or Nicole.  Without our coach and the league officials, I wouldn’t have the courage; the poise or the humility to finish the hardest season.

  Standing at the beginning of last year, I would have never imagine everything I would survive this year.  The tears, the struggle and the emotional and physical pain I've dealt with have been so consuming.  The bright side of the downfall is there’s not alot of places to go when your down.  You can stay in the crevice to search for the blessings of the fall and or look up and someone will pick you up and point you back toward the sun. Despite all the crevice, I chose to put my face back to the sun.