Everything’s Bigger in Texas
Written by Daniel Turner, Tuesday October 13 2009
Texans love to tell you how big everything is in their state. Since they live in 2,268,601 square miles it’s understandable why they are obsessed with size. As of July 2008 the census reported a population of 24,326,974. I know of one woman who relocated to Seattle and with their hatred of open container laws I have to assume that some Texans exited in a fiery pickup truck while clutching their Lone Star tall boy and their Colt 45, but we can conclude there is still a hell of a lot of Texans living in Texas. Just about all of those Texans need somewhere to go and, since they all love football, Cowboys Stadium is as good a place as any for them to gather.
In poetic terms you can quote that “in Xanadu the Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome did decree” to sum up the wretched excess that is Cowboys Stadium. However, since it is Jerry Jones who was the architect behind this behemoth it’s better to say he needed a bigger place since all his rowdy friends are coming over tonight.
Since the stadium can hold 111,000 Texans you could easily vacation there for a week. In New York City apartment terms, Cowboys Stadium would have its own weather pattern. The stadium is so big that it needs two Cowboys Clubs to satisfy that Texas hunger. There are so many bars and restaurants in Cowboys Stadium that one wonders how anyone finds a seat that faces the playing field. However, with the way the team has performed as of late, perhaps drinking, eating and cutting those Texas size deals is preferable to watching the on field action.
If you are curious as to what the score is you can always peak at the 60 yard long HD screen that hangs about 90 feet above the playing surface. You may be distracted by the punts bouncing off of it, but it’s there if you need it. If Ray Guy could nail the gondola in the Super Dome imagine what he could do with this battleship sized visual display.
Like the team that inhabits its bloated confines much has already been written about Cowboys Stadium. From its unique player entrance; where the team walks among the folks like ancient gladiators, or in a reference more understandable to Jerry Jones, like wrestlers entering the ring in some third rate arena, to its retractable roof that was designed as a homage to Texas Stadium, but from aerial views better resembles an ugly belt buckle.
Still, if you love America’s Team and don’t hail from the Lone Star State, perhaps you are planning a visit to the mother ship that houses the Cowboys. In that case, take advantage of the splendors that the Dallas-Fort Worth area has to offer.
For instance, since you obviously love cowboys, why not visit the Texas Cowboys Hall of Fame in Fort Worth. The museum is dedicated to rodeo performers and those who have influenced the sport. Some of its entrants may surprise you. For example, Nolan Ryan was inducted this year. No, it is not for riding out the rough seasons with the number of losing teams with which he was saddled. Ryan has been raising Beefmaster Cattle since 1972 and is a member of various ranching organizations. No wonder he can ride herd over the Rangers.
Visiting the museum may make you anxious to see more steer and you’re in luck. After all, you are in Texas and Texas has steer, Longhorn steer to be exact. At Texas Longhorn for Hire you can rent one of the aforementioned cattle for photo ops and just to have it hang around and be a topic of conversation. A cowgirl accompanies the steer to provide background on the Longhorn and is available for photo ops and to hang around and be a topic of conversation.
While they won’t reveal the age of the steer the cowgirls are all over the age of 40, or as they put it, “$39.95 plus shipping and handling”. They come from all walks of life and apparently share a love of Longhorns and spreading the gospel of the steer.
My favorite Longhorn story involves the Sex Pistols. During their misguided tour of the US Johnny Rotten purchased a set of Longhorns to take back to England thinking it would be a laugh to show the horns off to his punk friends. The roadies who were assigned the responsibility of keeping Sid Vicious off smack were constantly confounded by where he was hiding his stash. One of them deducted he had hid the junk in Johnny’s souvenir horns so they took to them with hammers and after reducing them to powder realized they were heroin free. Johnny was out of a great visual joke for his UK buddies, but he did have a new reason for hating Sid. As for the stoned bass player, we all know how well he handled his drug problem.
While Sid was spitting up blood and looking for a fix in Dallas, the band was playing the Longhorn Ballroom. Since you’re already on a Longhorn roll, you may as well check out the music hall that is still open. Just like when it hosted the Sex Pistols, the Longhorn Ballroom normally books C&W acts, so maybe you can see someone perform “Mama Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys”. While it may be more country than punk, the venue also hosted a Mod vs. Rockers scooter event in March of ’09.
By now you may have embraced the Cowboy way of life. So, depending on where you come from you may require a change of wardrobe. In that case be sure to check out Wild Bill’s Western Store. Wild Bill’s is rated as the best of the west in Dallas and has everything you need including ostrich boots for $575.00. Owner Bill Dewbre is a certified expert on the cowboy life and has designed a variety of boots so he can hook you up with a pair that has big, blue stars.
Just make sure you get the stars really huge because everything is bigger in Texas and you don’t want your bad taste to be the exception.
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